But now you've found another partner...

Saw a picture of her today with a new guy. This is not just a friend. She was in her pajama shirt wearing that giddy, silly, happy, stupid smile she used to have when we were first together.

Fuck.

But the old me's dead and gone...

One thing I find fascinating about divorce is the swiftness and severity of the change in feelings. I remember when I would see pictures of her when we were together and I would be filled with this happiness and love and I would just smile. Now, when I stumble upon a picture, I hate her. I get so angry and I cringe. I remember when the picture was taken or what our lives were like at that moment and I get so mad at what she pissed on.

I can't even imagine what it would be like to "fall in love" again. I am too bitter now. Too cynical. I was having this talk with a girl the other night. When will I be ready to date again? I dunno. I'm not looking. I used to look. I'm not now. I just don't know if I can feel that way again. I feel like I wasted so much love and energy and time on her. I don't trust people. I feel like any other attempt is just going to be more wasting. My answer was that I didn't know. I don't. I said it would really depend on who comes into my life in that capacity. Also, to an extent, I am enjoying finding myself again. Living life according to my terms. Hanging out with who I want to see. Doing what I want to do. Being who I want to be. I'm not perfect. Not at all. But I am okay with my imperfections and, in the end, all you have is yourself.

Yes. The old me is dead and gone.

Hard times

I backslid and silently cried to myself while driving around with my parents looking at Christmas lights. I thought about good times and pictured her face. I imagined about how happy she is now and how miserable I must have made her life to make her want to do this to me. I got so sad and angry all at once. This year sucked and I feel pretty empty again. I have a bad feeling that when the show is over, I am going to have a rough period again.

Life. Just tough.

And so it is...

2010... The Year of Divorce/Break-up continues.

Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johannson - done
Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgeons - done
Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter - done

I wonder if someone has been keeping a running tally.

In my head

I don't know if I have mentioned this here yet or not.

I have long angry conversations with her at night. Well... in my head. Sometimes out loud. Not actually with her, mind you, but to an imagined her. I yell. I shout. I raise my voice. I get angry. That's all I am right now is angry. So angry. I can feel it seething through me pretty frequently. It's not healthy, but it is better than absolute sadness. I've been there before. I don't want to go back there. I'd rather be pissed. I am. To an extent -- and please note that I said that as it is only to an extent -- I kind of hate women right now. Not all, mind you. My female friends are still aces and so are my family members. Some women, though, I just hate. Found out that Christina Aguilera is now seeing some guy she met on the set of BURLESQUE. She met him while she was married. There must of been some spark during the filming, because as soon as the papers were filed, she started dating this other dude. Fuck her. You were married. There is some sanctity to that vow. Oh, she was unhappy before blah blah blah. If there was more to it than that -- if he was something other than just some boring bloke (with is what it really sounds like is the only thing) -- I could understand moving on to where you would be happier. But just finding some other guy and deciding to forsake everything else, fuck that.

I say this because this is my current assumption as to what happened to me. Do I have any evidence? No. But we went from love to nothing in no time flat. I blame it on someone she met while visiting the town she went to college in. I don't know for sure, but she came back from some soiree gushing about some guy -- a soiree she told me I was not invited to. Fuck. She didn't want me to be there.

I should have seen this coming sooner.

Fuck her.

2010... The Year of Divorce

I wonder if there is any way that we can get an accurate count of long term celebrity couples that broke up or filed for divorce this year. Last year was the year of death. This year, divorce. I mean, really. Think about it. It seems like every couple of days another couple comes to an end. These people are gonna rebound just fine because they are attractive and have shit tons of money. How about the rest of us?

These days...

These days I just feel regret. Regret for what happened. Not for anything I did that may have caused this to end. I regret what made it begin. The things I regret are the things I spent the last three years cherishing. Why did she come to that play? She always said that she almost didn't. Now, I wish she wouldn't have. Why did things fall into place so well for so long just to fall apart so suddenly. I regret giving so much of myself to her that I lost me. I wish I had never met her. I wish I had the knowledge then that I have now. I am finding me again. Not the me I was. Some people may not understand that. I will never be my old self again. I am not looking for the same kind of things I was so determined to find. My thoughts on love are jaded. You may ask yourself, how can one person ruin so much? It's not the person. It's the feeling. I am in a construction phase. I am learning how to build walls and look at things differently than I did before. Every girl I meet is no longer initially perceived as a potential love interest. I don't have to constantly be so nice and so giving to everyone. THAT behavior leaves you nothing but broken. If I am going to be alone for awhile, I am going to do so by own rules and my own choosing. I will not let another one in who exists just to crush me. I'm blocking that part of me off. I'm letting it die.

Did you forget...?

I remember talks we had. Promises we made. Plans we discussed. Dreams we shared. I remember all of these things that she has forgotten.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so hard.

My life seems to be an endless cycle right now. I miss her. I don't miss her. I get lonely. I miss her. I don't miss her. I get lonely. I miss her. Rinse. Repeat.

I removed and blocked her on Facebook. I had to. I can't deal with the feelings that come up when she changes her picture. I can't deal with the feelings that come up when I read about something she does. I also removed a large number of friends. It is just so hard and it continues to be hard. I don't know what I need to do to get past this.

Oh... and I probably should make note of the fact that I am now officially divorced. Papers signed and submitted. I thought maybe I would hear something from her, but I haven't. My guess is maybe I won't hear from her at all anymore. Her friend borrowed some of my movies back when we were together, so I need to get those back. We have a liason who can do the transporting of goods from one to the other. Still... it's just... it's really fucking hard. I don't deserve this. I didn't want this. I can't keep feeling sorry for myself and I am trying to get past that. Some days, I actually succeed. I just have moments where it is really hard.

And I'm free... Free Falling.

It's a weird feeling to be both over and not over someone, which probably means I am not over someone. Yeah. I'm not. Three months ago, I was having "THE TALK" that led to where I am now. In less than a week, the final papers will be submitted and I am officially divorced/single. I dunno which term to use. I am single again. I use that and the implication is out there that I am "ready to mingle" which I am and am not ready to do. There are things that I am ready to do, but a new relationship is not at the top of my list. Divorced just sounds so... off-putting, but I am that. Not off-putting. Divorced. I am struggling to find happiness and contentment. I am in that life limbo still. I have moments of happiness and moments of sadness and moments of anger. I am not consistent with my emotions. It's limbo. This whole things is just going to take some time. The play will help. Hanging with my friends will help. Not seeing her will help. I'm just still carrying this burden on my shoulders that I can't quite seem to shake. I can't actively pursue another relationship because my feelings for HER have not ended. Any relationship right now will be doomed to fail. The feelings I have for someone else will basically just be a transference of feelings from HER. No one deserves that.

A lot of my thoughts right now seem to drift towards the typical guy thoughts. I don't want a relationship but I want someone to share my bed with me. I want that closeness and, yeah, I want someone to make out with, but I don't want to feel like I am expected to instantly just give myself completely over to someone else. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to have a friendship with someone -- a close bond with someone -- that may occasionally lead to some kissing and sleeping next to each other.

Sigh... I'm going to get judged for all of this, I can feel it.

Imagine that...

Sometimes it takes feeling like you are close to death to make you really feel alive.

Music helps you through the worst of times. Yeah, best, too, but the worst is when it is oh so very important. Most of my friends know that Eminem's RECOVERY has kind of been my bread and butter these past few months. The way I feel right now can be summed up in these lyrics from "No Love" featuring Lil Wayne.

I’m alive again
More alive than I have been in my whole entire life
I can see these people’s ears perk up as I begin
To spaz with the pen, I’m a little bit sicker than most
Shit’s finna get thick again

Things have been very interesting this past week. So much so that I can't even go into details here. I have been all smiles the last couple of days. No, this does not mean that someone came to my door and asked that I take her back. No... this just means that life goes on. My fear that mine wouldn't has been put somewhat to rest and now I rebuild to make this life all that it should be; all that it deserves to be. Be afraid folks. The light just got closer and I am picking up some steps to the groove.

Get out of my dreams...

Get out of my life.

Yep. I dreamed about her again. It just takes the wind out of my sails.

In the dream, we were flirting with each other, like there was a chance that things would work out. Then, I guess I took it too far and she said, "You know I'm just messing around, right? We're done. For good." We had a little argument where I told her she was leading me on and she apologized but thought I knew we were just playing around. We were in the mix of this whole group of people and we let them pass and continue arguing. I get frustrated and turn my back to her. When I turn back, she's gone. I consult with my friends that are there and they comfort me and offer advice, when I notice this restaurant ahead of us. I go look in the window and I see her with her friends. There are a couple of guys peppered around the table. One of them is right next to her, kind of staring at her. She looks up from her plate to see me at the window and gives me one of her, "get me out of here" looks. Against better judgment, I go in. I go up to the table and say hello. I ask her what's up. She says, "Oh nothing. Some friends and I were trying to have a nice lunch and then these random gentlemen joined us and I've got the creepy one eyeballing me. He is really creepy and just making my feel very uncomfortable." I point to him and use my loud, angry voice, "This guy right here." He sounds like a weasel (and looks a little like my downstairs neighbor). "Get out of here, man." I smile, turn my back, and then turn back to him with crazy eyes, but still a calm voice. "Look. If you are trying to get with her, you are going about it all wrong. Being creepy and crazy certainly isn't the way to do it. If you'd be observant, you'd notice she has no interest in you whatsoever and you'd just tip the fuck out the door with your buddies there. I'm offering you kind hearted advice, but if you choose against it, I guess I can flip the switch and, as this lovely young lady's ex-fucking-husband, I can fly into a jealous rage and beat the ever-loving shit out of you right in front of her and your friends. What's your choice, chief?" He stands and apologizes and leaves, friends following behind. She thanks me and I nod, "You're welcome."

My friends and I leave and walk to this bar. An old bartender friend from college is tending bar and he's happy to see us. Suddenly, the guy from the restaurant comes in and sits down at a table. An older guy goes up to him and shakes his hand. The younger guy is visibly upset. My bartender friend say, "Uh-oh. Lloyd still looks upset."
"You know him?"
"Yeah. His daddy owns this place."
"Oh good. I gotta take a leak."
I head back to the bathroom and unzip my pants, when the door swings open. I suspected something like this would happen, so I took a wide stance, somewhat blocking the door from completely opening. The person on the other side of the door tries again. I step back to let them fly into the bathroom. Caught off guard, the guy is vulnerable. I kick him in the face. He swings at me, I swing back. Imagine a fight sequence worthy of Black Dynamite and Scott Pilgrim. That is what followed. Me and like three guys. I was capable of moves I never knew I had. When the fight came to an end, I stood victorious over these broken bodies below.
"Lloyd!" I shouted and turned to look where he sat before. He was still there. With her.
"Did you know his dad owns this bar and five others in town?"
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"You know how much I love free drinks. This is free drinks -- for life," and she starts to make out with him right in front of me. I collapse to my knees... and woke up.

Before that, I had a sex dream featuring one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. As awesome as that was, the second dream ruined it.

Job Op

The artistic director of a local dinner theatre called me, asking me if I wanted to take a part in their upcoming production of The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. Rehearsals would be on Sunday - Thursday. The director said he would be super flexible with rehearsals, but that, of course, I would have to make it to every performance. I am torn. Do I do this, take one more step towards doing what I love and stepping away from what I have lost or do I stay the course? Work and make money, save money, and get onstage again in a year?

What I believe...

I don't think that I will ever find the same kind of love I felt for her again. I think back on how in love we were and how I just let myself fall, and it all seems so silly. I don't know if I will ever feel that again. I don't know if I will experience that love that makes me feel so young, and vibrant, and alive. Just kissing whenever. The fooling around. The fun and silly stuff. Just doing random ridiculous things. I don't know if I can even open my heart to letting a female be my best friend again. I have always had feelings for my best female friend. Always. If you think you were, at one point, my best female friend, odds are, I had a crush on you. I operate under the WHEN HARRY MET SALLY philosophy.

Back to my point. I mean, maybe it is because of where I am right now. I dunno. I just don't feel like I am capable of that again. I am a pretty damn good boyfriend, fiance, and husband. I have just been so shit on in my love life.

You know what I wish I would have spent more time doing? Collecting more friends with benefits. Not necessarily the benefits you think. Just the kind that don't mind sleeping next to someone in bed. Falling asleep talking to them. Holding them. I know. This all comes right after saying that I don't know if I can have a best female friend. I think I can. I am just furious with my two best female friends. One, of course, decided she didn't love me anymore and is divorcing me. The other has abandoned me in my time of need. No response to phone calls, texts, Facebook messages. Nothing. Friends for six years. I have always been there for her. When the shoe is on the other foot, she's gone.

Maybe I am just too depressing.

I constructed a scene for my screenplay today. I didn't want this to be a love story, and it isn't, though our hero will probably kiss this new female character. She is a combination of two Sioux Falls friends, a Texas friend, and Natalie Portman's character in BEAUTIFUL GIRLS (except not a teenager). This character needs to exist in order to move our story forward. To make it seem like he has a future. Looks forward to the possibility of something. Doesn't hate women entirely. Yes. This story is semi-autobiographical. Not completely. It is about divorce and moving forward. I used to call it my male version of Hope Floats. Then I called it my love story to Texas. Now... I think it is my last remaining shred of optimism looking to grow.

I have love in my heart. So much love to give. I just don't want to get so beaten down and broken that that love dies.

... if you can, I'm feeling down...

I want to slam my head into something hard. Crack the skin. Let my blood drip and pass out. I want to forget everything. I want to forget the last three years of my life. That happiness I felt, it wasn't worth this. I just want to forget.

Help.

Coming to an end...

This oddly emotional week is coming to an end. I can't be more thankful. It was just sad. There were so many things I wanted to do this week that I didn't do. Some of that is because, for the first time through all of this, I didn't feel like getting out of bed. I snoozed five minutes. Ten. Twenty. One hour. Two. I just couldn't convince myself to get up. I missed out on all of the exercising I had grand ambitions of doing. I delayed ripping some DVDs for a friend until just now. I didn't clean my bedroom (though, to be honest, it isn't that dirty). I was going to join this volleyball league at work but I overslept today and didn't go to the meeting. I pretty much have just sat here on the computer for the last few days, not doing anything productive. I mean, I did hang out with friends a bit, but I even reduced my time doing that this week. I should look for a part time job.

I haven't watched really ANY of the shows I DVR'd over the past two weeks. That I wonder is my sense of rebellion towards how things were. All we did was watch TV. I have just started exploring this city and, while it isn't huge, it isn't bad. There are things to do. The bars are kind of fun. That may also be because when I go out, I try and drown the sadness and let the fun guy out. I succeed at that pretty regularly. Perhaps my not watching the stuff I've DVR'd (which is actually reality show free, save for The Biggest Loser) is my way of kicking part of my past to the curb. I have already kicked one show completely to the curb due to scheduling conflicts and my lack of enjoyment of the show's direction last season. There may be more to come. We'll see.

And then this... urge... thing. Guh. I know that it isn't something that will be satiated anytime soon. It's just -- it has been so long. I don't mean that as, "Whew! I have been single for two months. Damn that is a long time." I mean that this started a long time ago and I am starting to get a little nutty. Meh. I'm turning into a guy right before everyone's very eyes.

I don't want to be...

Does the love that people have for one another on The Biggest Loser actually exist? How does it feel to have a spouse that supports you so much? How does it feel to have someone stick by you when you are going through something as scary as obesity? I wouldn't know. I tried to know, but she left me. The progress didn't matter to her. The overall failure did. It HAS to matter to me or I won't get back on the horse. How do I make it matter?

Songs...

Since things have gone downhill again, I want to post some songs. I have been reading a friend's blog that went through a divorce in 2009. She posted some songs right away. While yes, it has been two months and maybe I shouldn't be back where I was emotionally, but this really is a tough road. My heart aches. I will always be HER ex-husband. SHE will always be my ex-wife. We're not just a couple of kids that dated and then it didn't work so we called it quits so she could bang Jimmy after band practice. No. We are two people that loved each other and decided to spend our lives together... until she decided she didn't want to anymore. I like the song idea. These are my two. I'll just let the lyrics do the talking.

Don't Forget by Demi Lovato (Yes. I know.)

Did you forget
That I was even alive
Did you forget
Everything we ever had
Did you forget
Did you forget
About me

Did you regret
Ever standing by my side
Did you forget
What we were feeling inside
Now I'm left to forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

So now I guess
This is where we have to stand
Did you regret
Ever holding my hand
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget

We had it all
We were just about to fall
Even more in love
Than we were before
I won't forget
I won't forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
At all

And at last
All the pictures have been burned
And all the past
Is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget
Please don't forget us

But somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About us

Against All Odds by Phil Collins (The Gavin Degraw cover kills me.)

How can I just let you walk away
Let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath
With you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, well that's all I can do
And that's what I've got to face

Take a good look at me now
'Cause I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've got to take

Just take a look at me now

And a bonus:

I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt

turn down the lights
turn down the bed
turn down these voices
inside my head
lay down with me
tell me no lies
just hold me close
don't patronize
don't patronize me

chorus:
i can't make you love me if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
somethin' it wont
here in the dark,in these final hours
i will lay down my heart
and i'll feel the power if you wont
no you wont
cuz i can't make you love me
if you don't

i'll close my eyes
then i wont see
the love you don't feel
when you're holdin' me
morning will come
and i'll do what's right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and i will give up this fight

i can't make you love me if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
somethin' it wont
here in the dark,in these final hours
i will lay down my heart
and i'll feel the power if you wont
no you wont
cuz i can't make you love me
if you don't

Well I held up my head...

And I heard an "Amen!"
And I prayed, "Sweet Jesus!
Don't let me become a backslider!"

I am. I am backsliding. The last few days have been miserable. I keep thinking about her and how much this hurts. I can just picture her, smiling, with some other guy, happy, having the best time of her life. Me... I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable. I just don't know what to do.

I think I will schedule an appointment with that therapist again tomorrow.

Why me? That's what I want to know from all of this. Why me? Why is this happening to me? I feel like I am a good person. I have such a big heart and everyone knows it. Why can't good, caring people get rewarded? Why do I feel so shit on? When will I get some good in my life?

I'm crying again. I should go.

It's your f'n nightmare...

So let's start with last night. I was going to update with this thing I already had written. Instead, I went out on the town and had fun. Let me stress that. When I was out, I had fun. Then, we came back here. It was myself, two guy friends, and two female friends. While we were at the last bar, one of my guy friends was joined by two female co-workers. One was super sweet and very easy on the eyes. Also... she had awesome hair. The other was the complete opposite. Mean. Rude. Obnoxious. Grotesque. Covered her hair with some kind of cap. Just awful. BUT... they were out with us when the bar closed, so we invited them over to my place for a little after bar hangout. This was mistake. When we got back here, everything was fine. The girls retreated to my balcony to drink and smoke and were joined by the guy that brought them and one of my female friends. My other guy friend and I showed the other female friend around the apart. Eventually, everyone came back in and we chatted about stuff. Then, again, the two girls retreated to the balcony. About ten minutes later, there was a knock on my door. Shit. We're too loud, I thought. I will apologize and wrap this thing up. Instead, there were two guys hanging out, beers in hand.

"Hey. Are we being too loud? Sorry. We'll tone it down."
"We were invited up to drink with you guys?"
"What?"
"Those chicks said we could come up and drink up here."
"Ummm... they don't live here. I do. Sorry for the confusion, but no. I don't even know them."
"But they said we could come up."
"Sorry. Like I said, they don't live here and I am wrapping things up. I'll let them come out and tell you."

I had my friend go get his two female friends so I could explain that these guys were here and so that they could tell the "gentlemen" that they weren't invited. Rude girl cussed and said I was lame.

"Don't you want to get to know your new neighbors?"
"No. I really don't."

I asked her to go tell them about the mistake. She went out with her nicer friend. I locked the door as a precaution. Again, I don't want my new charming neighbors coming in when they aren't invited. I told my guy friend that invited them that I think I am calling an end to the night. He was very apologetic and said the understood. The girls knocked on the door. Nice girl said she needed to run down to her car to find her phone and asked if I would let her back in. I agreed. I let rude girl in and told her that I was calling an end to the night. Immediately, she started bitching about it.

"So you're just kicking us out?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I live here. I'm tired. I'm ready for this to be done."
"That's fucking lame."
"Well... I am lame then. I am okay with that."

I should mention at this point that my OTHER guy friend that was here at that time had left to help my other female friend home. It was now me, guy one, girl one, and the two girls that guy friend brought over. Guy one gathered his stuff up, apologized, and helped rude girl get her stuff together.

"That is fucking lame. Hey (guy one). Maybe we can drink downstairs. Do you wanna go downstairs and drink?"
"Sure."

So... they left. Nice girl came back to gather her things and was extremely apologetic. I told her it was cool, she was nice, and that I wasn't upset with her. She apologized again and left. It was just myself and my friend, girl one. We started having a nice conversation about the night and life and all of that jazz when there was a knock on the door. I went to it and the peep hole was covered.

"You're gonna have to move your hand if you'd like my attention."

Nothing.

"You're gonna have to move your hand."

Blockage replaced with a middle finger. Also, my new neighbor.

"And THAT is your middle finger, so you are coming up here to meet me with aggression, so I will just let you go on back downstairs. I apologize for the confusion, but you should just head on home."
"When you gonna stop being such a bitch?"
"What's that?"
"When you gonna stop being a bitch?"
"Wow. That's polite to someone you don't even know."
"When you gonna stop being --"
"Okay. I get it. When am I gonna stop being a bitch? Would it make you feel better if I just confessed to being a bitch? Would that make you happier and you can go back home happy and get some sleep?"
"When you gonna --"
"Hey. Hey. I'm a bitch! Whoo hoo! Yay me! I'm a bitch. Congratulations, sir! Pleasure meeting you!"
"You're a fat fucking bitch."
"Ah. I see you and my ex-wife share the same opinion. Perhaps you should contact her. Have a good night!"

I left the door. I don't know how much longer my new bestie stood outside my door. I'm sure some people would call me some derogatory term for not going out there and physically intimidating my new buddy. I was drunk. I was kind of down. I was in no mood to be scary. Plus, we all know I am not a fighter. Today, though, I thought about the notion of being confronted by him in the future and all I envisioned was me smashing his face in. We'll see what happens, I guess.

To continue this long ass blog entry, I'll talk about other things. Since we did just have one long story, I'll hit the little points before closing with my two nightmares.

I am, for the most part, getting better. Today was a bad day. I watched the season premiere of DEXTER which was one of our shows. This was the first episode of the show I have watched without her. It was also kind of a sad episode. I had a bit of a breakdown. It was a combination of the two things. Same thing happened during the season premiere of The Biggest Loser. These big people can't find love or have lost their love and it's just... very my life. But yeah. I am starting to feel a little better about things. The worst is, as I've said, freezing up when I think I see her. That and when I hear from her. I don't want to. At all. I am trying my best to move forward, but when I open my email or Facebook and I see something from her, everything hits me so hard. Even if she is just "being nice" or passing along information. My trying to forget that she exists is working well for me. I do have to say, though, that I had a strong moment in knowing what is going on in her life. Apparently her DVR crashed and didn't record some of her TV shows. This is very important to her. When I read that, I thought of my new cable box and DVR and how it recorded everything I programmed. How I don't have to position my remote at some odd angle to make everything work. I thought about all of that and I laughed.

I really appreciate my friends and how unbelievably supportive they have been through all of this. I have made a few new friends and strengthened bonds. I really let a lot of my friendship fall -- well, not to the back burner, but off the stove completely. I don't ever want to do that again. It seems like love or like or whatever you want to call it comes and goes. Friends. Friends are constant. Even if you drift away, they will be right there when you wade back.

Since mostly females read this (oddly enough), I should probably ask you women to skip ahead to the next paragraph. I know you won't, so I will try to be less slimy than I would if this were just dudes reading here. While yeah I miss the closeness and companionship of another person and the cuddling and hugs and all of that sweet stuff, there is another part of me. The guy side. The guy side really is getting... worked up and backed up. I know, I know. Some of you don't want to know any of this. You can skip it. I said you could. But there are moments where I am just on the verge of running out and making horrible decisions with no discretion. No standards. Not according to some type I like. The type I defer to is with no "p" but a vah-jee. Have I done anything about that yet? No. I haven't. I have even shot down the notion of having a crush on someone because, really, I am not ready for anything. I had a There's Something About Mary moment with some girl. It was like, no matter what, everybody, at one time or another was into this girl. I was a little late to the party and I thought I dug her for a spell. Truth is, I do, but just as a friend. I can't transfer my feelings from HER to this new girl because, really, that is all it would be. But... then there's the physical stuff. If the opportunity presented itself to do some getting down, would I? I can't answer that. I am both crazy horny and crazy hurting.

That paragraph is over for those of you that actually skipped it.

Now the nightmares.

The first one involved her. I showed up at this bar for like a high school reunion of sorts. There were all of these people I knew in high school and I was very happy to see them. Suddenly, SHE walks in. I sigh but know that I need to talk to her. I mean, she is looking right at me. So, I walk over to her and we start arguing right away. She tells me that I am handling myself very poorly and I should be over her by now. I tell her it isn't that easy because I actually loved her and still did when we split up. I look from a second and when I look back at her, she is replaced with her friend that is a model and also divorced. HER personality and voice still exist, but the physical form is now that of her friend. We continue our argument about the healing process. I look away and she changes into another friend. Same thing. Then it just kind of flickers between the three (my guess is that my subconscious chose those two friends because they are most like her and ones that I would be attracted to). Eventually, we get to a stopping point. She tells me there is a chance I can get her back. She tells me to do so, I have to ride The Wild. I ask why that matters. She says that it just shows my desire to get her back and my commitment to us. So... I say I will do it. I turn and turn back to ask her a question and she is gone. So, I decide to leave the bar. On the way out, there is a huge fight. Different people I knew from my college days were beating up my high school friends.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked a very buff version of my old boss from a local eatery.
"Because this asshole deserves it!"
"Asshole? He's my friend!"
"Really? Well... maybe YOU really are an asshole too!"

He turned on me, but I ran out the door and saw the pathway leading to The Wild. It went through this field that was actually a wildlife preserve. I ran through the field, expecting it to be easy until a huge crocodile chomped at my leg. It missed. I kept running. Another croc. Dodge. Keep going. Another. It got my ankle and was pulling me in like the Sarlac pit from Return of the Jedi. I was saved when a tiger tore the face off of that croc. It swipped at my leg, but I got away. Almost to The Wild, I got plowed into by a huge rhino. I flew through the air, but landed right in front of The Wild, a huge rollercoaster. I was ready to do it -- to ride The Wild -- when SHE stepped out of the shadows.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I want you back and I willing to do whatever you want!"
"Silly man. Riding a rollercoaster isn't going to win me back."
"What?"
"Honestly, nothing is. I was just messing with you. You're still a loser."

And then I woke up.

I won't explain all of dream two. I'll just hit the highlights. I was driving and I must have taken a wrong turn. SHE was only in this for a second, as a cop, firing at me from her car. I drove past at top speed. Eventually, I was stopped by other cops. I had driven into the scene of a terrorist attack, a train crash. They thought I was a terrorist. Instead, I had accidentally driven right to the site of one of my niece's death. I saw her lying there, broken in the wreckage of this train. I cried so hard. But that was nothing compared to what happened next. My phone rang. It was my younger brother. I answered.

"Hey! Oh my God, this is --"
"Hey. I just want you to know I love you. No matter what happens."
"What?"
"I love you."
"I love you, too. What?"

A new unknown voice.

"Hey. He loves you. He said so. Remember that."

Suddenly, through the phone, there is a loud gunshot. I scream my brother's name. The phone responds with laughter.

I woke up in a panic from both dreams.

I should also mention a day dream. I mention this, and please don't panic, because it is a thought I had that I refuse to act on. Please be aware of that. My life is not complete yet and I am not going anywhere until I have accomplished what I have my heart set on. I just have had visuals of this that are haunting on bad days that drive me to get better. Please. Don't be alarmed. I have visualized myself climbing onto my balcony rail, extending my arms, and falling off ever so gracefully. I have had that visual, more often, at the old place than the new one. In fact, one of my best moments in the script I am writing is of one such vision. I feel like, you have to face the pain and the hurt and the suffering and the visions of an easy out to make you fight all of it and come out on the other side okay -- even a little better.

So I am... I am fighting.

Tonight's the night

My goal is to a big update either tonight or tomorrow. I sat down at work yesterday and outlined all of the things I wanted to talk about. Life, as a whole, is getting easier. I have these moments of pain that hit really hard. They leave me aching, crying, moaning for hours at their worst. But they are just moments now. They aren't entire days. Well... the 20th was rough and I imagine 10/11 will be horrendously difficult. If any loyal reader wants to take me out the night of the 20th and get me messed up so I forget what day it is, I will forever be in your debt. BUT... for the most part, just the moments are bad.

She still isn't off the hook, though. When I think of or hear from or think I see her, I freeze up. Still. It's going to be like that for awhile. For the time being, though, I am trying to live my life as if she does not exist.

Longer blog later. I have a lot to talk about.

Make sure you're connected...

I have been disconnected from the internet, but now I am back. I need to take advantage of this blog. Posting an entry now is kind of difficult because I am in pretty good spirits. It's when I am down and mopey when it is easy. Those moments come and go, but right now, I am truly cherishing this high moment.

I have had some rough days since moving into the new place.

I am terrified of the notion of seeing her in public, especially if she is with some other guy. I can't live my life according to that fear, though. I need to do things I want to do my way with no fear.

I have nicknamed my vehicle The White Stallion and my apartment The Fortress of Solitude. I like them. Fortress of Solitude is more of a Superman reference than a lonely reference. Most won't get it, but I do and that is what matters.

Oh... hey Facebook. Why do you have to show pictures constantly of me and her in my Photo Memories box? Go away. Go AWAY!

A guy I was on the Orientation Team with lives in the same building here that I do. Hopefully, we will get to spark some kind of a friendship again. We'll see.

Don't lose your head...

When I move, my goal is to get back on the weight loss wagon. Before May of this year, I had lost 50 lbs of my goal to get to 100 lbs lost by the age of 30. I hit a bit of a snag in the road. I haven't put all of that back on, but enough to make me feel bad about stopping. When I get all moved, working out will become my new vice. I need to take some of this weight off. I need to take a lot of it off. I need to get healthy. I need to become happy with myself. I need to try to strengthen my body and mind. I need to get myself looking like I feel. I need to try to make myself look physically more attractive. I am doing this for me first, but I do have to keep in mind that looks spark the initial connection. The way my fat ass looks now isn't going to turn any heads.

Also... if I get into shape, I am considering getting a tattoo. I'm thinking it over. I don't want it to be something stupid. I want it to be awesome and meaningful. It will probably be some representation of what is important to me. We'll see what happens.

The last few days have been tough because we have been getting along. It is much easier to move when I hate her guts.

You can feel my anger...

I punched a hole in the wall.

We were arguing about how I handled her being out of town. Again. Neither one of us will see the other's perspective and neither one of us will give the other a break. She attempted to run away from the conversation, something that ALWAYS irritated me when we were together, so think about how it felt being apart. I stood up. I said mean things. She said mean things. We were both spewing nothing but anger and hatred at each other. She ran to her bedroom. I walked behind. As the door closed, I slammed my fist into the hallway wall, screaming an obscenity. My hand went into the wall. I immediately apologized through closed doors, but I could hear her sobbing, calling someone over the phone. Not wanting to wait around to find out, I took off. I called her from the road. She was staying at a hotel for the night, going to work, then leaving town for a few days. She didn't want to talk anymore for the night. She'll talk to me when she gets back. I terrified her.

What have I become? I read an article today about how heartbreak is dealt with worse than the passing of someone close to you. People do go crazy. It has to do with chemicals in the brain. I have snapped. I been pushed past my limits and I feel like I am not being heard. How can I expect to be heard, though? She shut down a long time ago. I am moving my mouth, making a sound, but I'm sure all she thinks when she hears me talk is so many days left. Her new life awaits her. Mine... mine frightens me.

Word of advice, men: DO NOT live with your ex-spouse for any time at all after a separation or divorce is considered the answer. Your boundaries are all screwed up and you only experience pain. This has not been a positive thing for me. I have been close to REALLY losing it quite a few times. I am still in shock. I still hurt. I will for awhile.

I have said some things to a female friend of mine that I regret. I am in the worst of places and, sadly, she is on the receiving end of my venting all of that bad. I am sorry for that, but I know that they will keep coming unless I just leave her alone for a bit. I am going to consciously try to block her out of my life temporarily while also removing the ex as well. This friendship will not exist.

Who knew?

Did you know that you can print divorce paperwork in some states, fill it out from the convenience of your own home, take it in, sign it in front of a judge, and go from there?

Holy fuck! The world is just too damn simple for its own good.

By the way, I am in the process of filling out paperwork right now. At home. At the kitchen table. Well... actually SHE is filling them out and I am waiting for my chance to initial things.

I'm still hurting...

This week has been really rough. I just have been going through a constant rotation of emotions. I know that it won't get any better right away. Will it still get worse before it gets better? I break down at work. I break down at home. I break down on the phone talking to people. I break down before I go to bed. I break down when I wake up. This is pretty bad. Can it get worse than this? The only way I can imagine it getting worse is that the "I can get through this" part of my rotation disappears. That part of me that throws the load on my back and slogs right on through things. That part that can go a few hours without letting my thoughts and feelings affect me. If that disappears, I am doomed and I will be more needy that I feel like I am right now.

My brain always goes back to how she is handling this. This is so easy for her. She doesn't have to face me or the apartment right now. She has been off on her little adventure for the last few weeks without a care in the world. When she returns, will she still be care-free, or will the reality of the situation set in and maybe she will find this to be a little more difficult? My guess... this is going to be simple for her. Her feelings have already changed completely. She will be cold and callous to me. She will treat me as a roommate and not as someone she once loved. She won't face what we used to have. I can't ignore it and, from my perspective, it seems like that is all she is doing. Ignoring little old me, the man she is leaving. The man she made a promise to but suddenly changed her mind and decided, "Oops! Hey best friend. I don't love you anymore. You gotta go."

I can't stay here for these two weeks. I know I can't. I'll go insane feeling so much towards someone who feels nothing.

I just don't know if I can do this.

The kindness of strangers...

We went to the same high school. Knew of each other, but didn't really know each other. Didn't hang out in the same circles. Tonight, though, she kind of became that best friend that has been through hell and knows how to help carry you out of it.

I'm getting divorced. Her fiance died... the day after her cancer surgery. What I'm going through is nothing by comparison, but she made it feel like it was important, too. Faced with obstacles, a support system is really important. She knows that and wanted me to know the same. She offered her ear anytime I feel low.

You know, people get a bad rap. Some out there are actually pretty wonderful.

Too weak...

I have never been a strong person. Never. Everybody knows that.

How am I supposed to make it through this? Where am I, the weakest person I know, supposed to muster up the strength and courage to deal with the worst heartbreak I have ever known? How am I supposed to handle this, the ultimate rejection?

Fuck.

Yes. I am crying.

Again.

This is what it sounds like...

I started today off by saying that it was going to be a good day. It was... up until about 45 minutes ago. I have been crying and angry pretty much nonstop since then. The crazy thing is, nothing happened. Nothing at all. I am just feeling my world collapse and it hurts so bad. That is what this is, too. That's not me being too dramatic. My world -- the world I knew, loved, and was comfortable in -- is falling apart.

What's yours is mine...

The toughest part of that old adage of what's yours is mine, what's mine is yours, is what happens when it isn't anymore? I know the conversation is going to come when we discuss who gets what. My initial desire of not wanting any of these memories is coming to an end. Now I just want what I need to survive plus a few things, here and there, that mean something to me.

Oof. It still feels like I am getting kicked on the chest.

Makes me wanna...

Back and forth, like a see-saw. Some days I am high, others I am low.

I just want to scream.

Therapy went really well this morning.

The number of the beast...

It feels like this THING has been awakened. Something I thought I lost. Something I cared for so much but somehow lost touch with. It feels like this thing is sweeping in and making its presence felt every step of the way. This thing moves like a beast -- with such force and strength and power -- and I can't help but get caught up in it.

This thing is friendship.

This thing is you, dear reader.

I have received some great well wishes from great friends. I have been taken out and driven around town until late hours of the night/early hours of the morning. I have been bought drinks with a smile that says, "Hey. Cheer up. We love you." I have had people tell me they see a strength in me that is encouraging and empowering. I have been given an ear to vent to, given a word of encouragement, given a drink, given a shot, given a hug, given dinner, and given time.

I have been given such great friendship by such great people. I know that more is still to come, too. I do not have the words to give you back what you have all given me. Even if I have yet to take you up on your offer, know that I appreciate that it is there and that you will be called very soon. I thank you so much for being there for me, either as a listening ear, a reading eye, or just someone who knows that keeping busy is key.

How does a man get through a divorce he didn't want? How does a man that loves a woman that doesn't love him anymore get through it?

Day by day. One step at a time. With many great friends.

The Last Kiss

Not many people get the chance to know exactly when their last kiss with another person is. I did. I knew that it was coming. It was coming because I asked for it. But, it didn't make it any easier. These final kisses were truly her just going through the motions. I wondered about when her last meaningful kiss with me was. I know that she can't pinpoint it, so I didn't ask.

From here on, things change. She leaves town for three weeks and I move into the guestroom. When she returns, we will file paperwork and be roommates for two weeks. Then I move out.

Oh the times, they are a-changing...

No, really. Fuck this shit.

After a conversation today, I realized a lot. She isn't going to miss me. She might miss some of the things we did and some of the good times we had, but she isn't going to miss me in the way I would hope for. So really... WE are dead. The WE we were. The WE that spent our honeymoon at Disneyworld. The WE that wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. The WE that were there for each other unconditionally. The good WE we used to be is no more. Right now, there's just her and me. Since this is kind of an "Aha" moment for me, maybe I can begin to grow.

I don't hate her. I won't let myself hate her. I am not really pleased with her, as you can imagine, but I can't bring myself to hate her. I don't like how trying to do so feels.

She will move on much quicker than I will. She will probably fool around with someone again sooner than I feel is appropriate for her to do so. But if she has been ending this for a year, I can't really blame her. Everybody has to take their time to move on and she has. She may not date someone for awhile like she says she won't. Maybe she will eventually realize that I am not as bad of a match as she thinks I am. I'm not counting on it and not waiting around for it, but if she does, that will at least give me some sense of satisfaction.

Me, I am terrified of the notion of being out there again. I have an extreme lack of confidence right now. Liquid confidence is too expensive to have to constantly use. I think my current lack of self confidence isn't really that ridiculous. I just got dumped. Dumped in marriage. I mean, that is a confidence destroyer.

I do need to move on. I have too much life in these bones to just roll over and die. I will surround myself with my nearest friends and roll hardcore through this life. I will go through bad days but I will have good days. I deserve them. THIS will not be the end of me. This too shall pass.

Today is a bad day

We were supposed to have one last nice day of hanging out today. It is 3:30 PM CST and she has not come home yet.

Fuck this shit.

Ad nauseum

One of the worst feelings is the nausea and how quickly it takes over. This heartbreak thing really feels like it is a constant and continual punch or kick to the gut. It hurts, but mostly it just leaves me feeling ill. The notion of food is weird. Sometimes, I hate the idea of eating at all, while other times, all I want to do is stuff my face with anything and everything. I think, eventually, I will get back to even.

I went out drinking last night. I was very proud of myself. I believe I sent her three texts. That is it. No calls. Three texts. I also don't think those three texts were too bad. The problem is, I still sent three texts. This is me giving her the power. She already has all of it in her hands. She doesn't need any more.

My other texts I sent last night, well, we'll refrain from discussing those here. I may have made a poor attempt to fake the notion of moving on. Nothing happened, but it was kind of fun trying. That leaves me with a little bit of hope. My new chapter has a character my previous ones were kind of lacking: me with confidence.

We all go a little mad sometimes...

Today was a "crazy" day.

You know how that sense of proper judgment and deciding which behaviors are right and which are wrong sometimes disappear when you've been drinking?

Yeah. I did that today sober.

We had an argument at lunchtime about single life. Jokes and comments were made and I blew up. I was livid and I turned on her quickly. I yelled and I screamed. She needed to go to work so she tuned me out. I yelled louder and screamed louder. She headed out of the apartment. I chased her. She told me not to make a scene in the hallway. I said that I won't be living in this apartment anymore, why should I care what the neighbors think. I followed her down the stairs and to the car. I blocked her car door so she couldn't get it. I asked her to listen to me. She said she couldn't breathe. She went around to the passenger side. I sat in the driver seat. She got out. She climbed in the back. I sat in the driver seat. She got out. I let her in to the front seat but wouldn't close the door. She started the car and backed up, me running along with the car. She began to pull forward and I slammed her door. I ran upstairs and called her. She hung up. Repeat. repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. She picked up and told me she didn't have time for this. She hung up. repeat. Repeat. Repeat. She wouldn't answer. wouldn't listen to me. I left a voicemail and then had a genius plan. I would look up the phone number to the apartment complex where she was working today. Eventually she answered. I asked her not to hang up. She shouted oh my god and did just that.

The remainder of the day went with me calling her and either getting no answer or her hanging up on me. I left voicemails and texts. I was out of my mind. I knew it, too. This is, by no means, typical behavior for me. My heart is destroyed and instead of trying to be civil, I am going to war.

Eventually she responded to my texts.

"You are a crazy person!"

Probably not the best thing to say to me in my current, insane state of mind.

I called again. She said she wasn't home but when she got there, she would call. She did. She told me she didn't want to see me right now and that I shouldn't blame her. I really don't. Deep down, my mind knows that she shouldn't want anything to do with me at all. A part of it is still desperately clinging on. I won't get her back but my brain won't let me give up yet.

I scheduled my first therapy session ever for next week.

Sunday is our last day hanging out. She leaves on Monday. She returns the 22nd. Papers will probably be filed on the 24th. I move out into my new place on September 4th. September 5th, I cry. A lot.

Mixed emotions...

Today was one of those roller coaster type of days. I woke up fine, but was kind of sour after seeing her in the morning. I didn't want to pick a fight but I'm having a hard time accepting the newly established boundaries. That's my thing. I'm causing the tension there. I don't want those boundaries in place until paperwork has been signed. Nobody really understands this. Why would I just prolong what is inevitable? My answer is simple: so I can have some sense of control over something. I know the relationship is over, but I want to feel like I have some hold on things up until she goes because when she comes back, we will be like two ships just passing really close to each other in the same waters. We're no longer one unit. There will be no notifications of comings or goings. I can't ask where she is going or if she knows an estimate of when she'll be back. If I don't hear from her and get worried, I can't check up on her. I will be an island.

The good of the day all came when I was hanging out with one of my best friends. He was in town for the day just for me. He wanted to spend all day with me just to keep my mind off of things and to keep me busy and comforted. It was great and it felt like old times. Overall, I did have an excellent and enjoyable day.

The bad came when I found my new apartment. There is this surreal feeling you get when you go from a couple to a single. Everything feels like it moves in a blur. Today, I looked at apartments, found one I liked, and turned in my security deposit all over the course of five hours. A sense of finality in five hours. All of it... a blur. When I left the office after submitting my check, I broke down. This is not supposed to be my life. This is not the way things were supposed to happen. I don't deserve this. That last thought actually gave me hope. I don't deserve it. That is a shred of self-confidence. I can work with that.

Some people think I am giving up. That this relationship can be rescued. I am not giving up. I am putting up as much fight as I have left. The problem is that this relationship cannot be rescued. She has no desire to save it. We've run our course. I am playing catch up to a situation that really ended a year ago. I die a little inside everytime I look at a picture of us. Problem is, they are still plastered everywhere in this apartment. Those two people smiling and kissing while they were dating, engaged, getting married, partying, honeymooning, and relaxing, those two people are dead. That relationship is dead.

It is hard to grieve the dead right away.

Like I said, though, there was good to this day. The beginning of the movie CYRUS inspired some hope. The fictional characters in the film's first few minutes prove that some sort of caring relationship can occur after a divorce. Sure, it ain't real life, but I am in the marker to take whatever hope I can get.

It was a good day

Today was a good day. Yesterday was a bad day, so it is nice to have these days. Hung out with a friend all day. Bought a couple of books. THE FILM CLUB by David Gilmour looked really good. Movies are one of my passions so this may be an excellent story.

I also got something else that sounded appealing.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM WOMEN WHO'VE DUMPED ME

This a collection of essays from various comics. I was looking for something that would help and this was the best I could find. I will read and give a full report.

I hope that everyone who reads this blog realizes that this is super-therapeutic for me. I need a place to vent and I need people to hear me. Maybe I will avoid great detail. Some things should just be mine to know, but my emotions, well, this can be on display. Maybe someone will stumble upon this when they are faced with the same situation. Maybe the way I handle it will be inspirational and relate able. I'm not doing it for that reason. I am doing it for me. Because I need to. But who knows?

You gotta have friends...

One thing I am learning is how important friends are. This is all much easier when I am hanging out with or talking to people. It seems much more difficult, right now, at least, when I am alone with my thoughts.

I have this horrible habit of putting my friends on the back burner when I meet a girl and fall for her. Since I do, eventually, hope to move past this (because I am a pretty decent fella with a lot to give), I need to make that change and keep my friends close. Even if I find a girl, my friends need to stay on an equal level of importance.

There have been some really nice phone calls and a few messages here and there that really have meant a lot to me. I am learning so much from this. It isn't all bad. Even the bad, if we work through it, may not be THAT bad. It is tough. Yesterday was a really bad day. But not every day will be like that. This support system, even if it isn't 24-7, is going to be enough to help me bounce back. I am sure of it.

Lest there be any confusion:

I still love her.

I am still in love with her.

A little more than three years ago, I was just coming out of a relationship that ended poorly. I met her and it changed everything. I found someone I was so compatible with and everything was just so easy. We liked indies and prematurely canceled TV shows. We shared a similar sense of humor. She was beautiful and she talked to shlubby me.

I can tell you anything you need to know about her. I have her facts memorized. She is everything to me. I love her more than anything else in the world. Still. This is not a past thing. This is a right now.

Do not think my willing to try giving up means I don't love her. I love her so much.

But why keep fighting if she has already given up? Why if she has given up a long time ago?

Unfair perceptions...

Looking through a used book store today, I saw quite a few divorce books in the self-help section. Sadly, they are all from the female perspective.

"Your man cheated? Leave him. Find out how."

What about a book for the guy being left? I didn't cheat. I didn't abuse her, verbally or physically. I didn't have any illegal or costly vices. I was good to her. I treated her like a queen. I loved her every second of every day. Where's my self-help book?

Maybe that's what this is. Me writing the self-help book as it happens to maybe help some other chap dust himself off after his wife falls out of love.

Resentment and disgust

She and I are still sleeping in the same room and in the same bed. We have decided that we will do this until she returns from her out of town excursion. This, of course, does not make things any easier. I would say that waking up next to her, once one of my favorite parts of the day, is now the hardest. When she returns, I probably will have an easier time getting out of bed knowing that we haven't been sharing the same space.

Waking up with feelings of resentment is not the best start to a day.

I am to be moved into the guest room by August 22. I will walk you through the moving process as it happens.

Please don't think that I want to be out of the bed already. I don't. In fact, I would prefer never to leave. It just hurts. It is a pain I am willing to deal with so that I can be prepared for that one last time of waking up next to her.

Day Seven, Entry One

A week ago, my wife proposed a fear:

What if, when she is out of town for the next month, she doesn't miss me romantically? What if she doesn't miss me at all?

"Well... I would guess that means that something is wrong."

A week ago, discussion started between the two of us, discussing plans for separation. She has been unhappy in our relationship for about a year. She's not herself anymore. This isn't what she wanted. She doesn't know what she wanted.

She loves me... but she's not IN LOVE with me. Not anymore.

"I feel like we've become really great friends and awesome roommates."

The words that stabbed me in our two viewings of DATE NIGHT have come back to haunt me. This time, they are stabbing me directly.

It is an odd feeling to feel your heart break. There were cracks all along. Why doesn't she do this? Why won't she feel this way? Why is she leaving? What are we fighting for now? Those cracks, though, go unnoticed until it all just hits the ground and shatters.

My wife and I are separating.

We are separating and I am still in love.

As the week has gone by, I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions from the obvious hurt, sadness, depression, anger, pain, rage, guilt, self-loathing, to the odd occasional senses of relief and satisfaction and acceptance. Those three are fleeting. Soon they are swept away in the self-loathing tidal wave again.

Initially, she had expressed the possibility (small as it was) of reconciliation. Say she does miss me. Why separate if she misses me? That sentiment turned into one of self-awareness.

"I know myself and it's just not --- I don't think it is going to happen."
"Would you say that I even have a 1% chance of that?"
"No."

There is an odd sense of support, though. She is coaching me through this with the hopes that we will be friends. A Demi Moore-Bruce Willis kind of divorce. Right now, I'm feeling more of the Alec Baldwin-Kim Basinger vibe... mixed with my being a pussy.

As mad as I am with her, I do not want to know what my life is like without her in it in some capacity. Because of that, I am setting myself up for nothing but pain.

One day at a time. That's how people get through their problems. That's what my plan is. I am starting this blog as a record of my shattering and my eventual rebirth. I will discuss whatever is on my mind with no fear of who reads it. I will paint an honest portrait of what this is like for me. At times, I will probably describe my ex in harsh terms. At other times, I know I will do nothing but sing her praises. There really is a wonderful woman in there. She can't help that her feelings for me changed. I did all that I could and I know I am not the cause for this.

There will be times where I paint myself in both sympathetic and unsympathetic lights. This is my voice. I can do what I want with it. If there is a day in which I particularly hate myself, I will speak of it here. My hope is that by the end of the entry, I can come to terms with the emotion and get it out.

Most of all, this is my point of view. I am a man. Men, I feel, are unfairly vilified in life. We are chauvinists only after one thing. We move from girl to girl never taking feelings into account. A relationship ends with us probably because we did something wrong.

I am not a chauvinist. I want more than just one thing. I have had three girlfriends (five if we stretch terminology a little) in my whole life. I have loved seven women in my life. Five of them, the way an adolescent boy thinks he loves women, one love for convenience of companionship, and one love, the way you think you are supposed to love. That, lose-my-breath, heart-beats-faster, give-it-all-and-do-anything-for-her feeling of love that makes you want to believe in romance of all kinds. That kind of love I have found only once.

That kind of love is sleeping in the other bedroom while I finish up my first blog at 4:30 AM. That kind of love is helping me find the best deal on my own apartment. That kind of love doesn't live around here anymore. Instead, it's just me: a boy with a crush.

Same as I have always been.