This week has been really rough. I just have been going through a constant rotation of emotions. I know that it won't get any better right away. Will it still get worse before it gets better? I break down at work. I break down at home. I break down on the phone talking to people. I break down before I go to bed. I break down when I wake up. This is pretty bad. Can it get worse than this? The only way I can imagine it getting worse is that the "I can get through this" part of my rotation disappears. That part of me that throws the load on my back and slogs right on through things. That part that can go a few hours without letting my thoughts and feelings affect me. If that disappears, I am doomed and I will be more needy that I feel like I am right now.
My brain always goes back to how she is handling this. This is so easy for her. She doesn't have to face me or the apartment right now. She has been off on her little adventure for the last few weeks without a care in the world. When she returns, will she still be care-free, or will the reality of the situation set in and maybe she will find this to be a little more difficult? My guess... this is going to be simple for her. Her feelings have already changed completely. She will be cold and callous to me. She will treat me as a roommate and not as someone she once loved. She won't face what we used to have. I can't ignore it and, from my perspective, it seems like that is all she is doing. Ignoring little old me, the man she is leaving. The man she made a promise to but suddenly changed her mind and decided, "Oops! Hey best friend. I don't love you anymore. You gotta go."
I can't stay here for these two weeks. I know I can't. I'll go insane feeling so much towards someone who feels nothing.
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