You can feel my anger...

I punched a hole in the wall.

We were arguing about how I handled her being out of town. Again. Neither one of us will see the other's perspective and neither one of us will give the other a break. She attempted to run away from the conversation, something that ALWAYS irritated me when we were together, so think about how it felt being apart. I stood up. I said mean things. She said mean things. We were both spewing nothing but anger and hatred at each other. She ran to her bedroom. I walked behind. As the door closed, I slammed my fist into the hallway wall, screaming an obscenity. My hand went into the wall. I immediately apologized through closed doors, but I could hear her sobbing, calling someone over the phone. Not wanting to wait around to find out, I took off. I called her from the road. She was staying at a hotel for the night, going to work, then leaving town for a few days. She didn't want to talk anymore for the night. She'll talk to me when she gets back. I terrified her.

What have I become? I read an article today about how heartbreak is dealt with worse than the passing of someone close to you. People do go crazy. It has to do with chemicals in the brain. I have snapped. I been pushed past my limits and I feel like I am not being heard. How can I expect to be heard, though? She shut down a long time ago. I am moving my mouth, making a sound, but I'm sure all she thinks when she hears me talk is so many days left. Her new life awaits her. Mine... mine frightens me.

Word of advice, men: DO NOT live with your ex-spouse for any time at all after a separation or divorce is considered the answer. Your boundaries are all screwed up and you only experience pain. This has not been a positive thing for me. I have been close to REALLY losing it quite a few times. I am still in shock. I still hurt. I will for awhile.

I have said some things to a female friend of mine that I regret. I am in the worst of places and, sadly, she is on the receiving end of my venting all of that bad. I am sorry for that, but I know that they will keep coming unless I just leave her alone for a bit. I am going to consciously try to block her out of my life temporarily while also removing the ex as well. This friendship will not exist.

Who knew?

Did you know that you can print divorce paperwork in some states, fill it out from the convenience of your own home, take it in, sign it in front of a judge, and go from there?

Holy fuck! The world is just too damn simple for its own good.

By the way, I am in the process of filling out paperwork right now. At home. At the kitchen table. Well... actually SHE is filling them out and I am waiting for my chance to initial things.

I'm still hurting...

This week has been really rough. I just have been going through a constant rotation of emotions. I know that it won't get any better right away. Will it still get worse before it gets better? I break down at work. I break down at home. I break down on the phone talking to people. I break down before I go to bed. I break down when I wake up. This is pretty bad. Can it get worse than this? The only way I can imagine it getting worse is that the "I can get through this" part of my rotation disappears. That part of me that throws the load on my back and slogs right on through things. That part that can go a few hours without letting my thoughts and feelings affect me. If that disappears, I am doomed and I will be more needy that I feel like I am right now.

My brain always goes back to how she is handling this. This is so easy for her. She doesn't have to face me or the apartment right now. She has been off on her little adventure for the last few weeks without a care in the world. When she returns, will she still be care-free, or will the reality of the situation set in and maybe she will find this to be a little more difficult? My guess... this is going to be simple for her. Her feelings have already changed completely. She will be cold and callous to me. She will treat me as a roommate and not as someone she once loved. She won't face what we used to have. I can't ignore it and, from my perspective, it seems like that is all she is doing. Ignoring little old me, the man she is leaving. The man she made a promise to but suddenly changed her mind and decided, "Oops! Hey best friend. I don't love you anymore. You gotta go."

I can't stay here for these two weeks. I know I can't. I'll go insane feeling so much towards someone who feels nothing.

I just don't know if I can do this.

The kindness of strangers...

We went to the same high school. Knew of each other, but didn't really know each other. Didn't hang out in the same circles. Tonight, though, she kind of became that best friend that has been through hell and knows how to help carry you out of it.

I'm getting divorced. Her fiance died... the day after her cancer surgery. What I'm going through is nothing by comparison, but she made it feel like it was important, too. Faced with obstacles, a support system is really important. She knows that and wanted me to know the same. She offered her ear anytime I feel low.

You know, people get a bad rap. Some out there are actually pretty wonderful.

Too weak...

I have never been a strong person. Never. Everybody knows that.

How am I supposed to make it through this? Where am I, the weakest person I know, supposed to muster up the strength and courage to deal with the worst heartbreak I have ever known? How am I supposed to handle this, the ultimate rejection?

Fuck.

Yes. I am crying.

Again.

This is what it sounds like...

I started today off by saying that it was going to be a good day. It was... up until about 45 minutes ago. I have been crying and angry pretty much nonstop since then. The crazy thing is, nothing happened. Nothing at all. I am just feeling my world collapse and it hurts so bad. That is what this is, too. That's not me being too dramatic. My world -- the world I knew, loved, and was comfortable in -- is falling apart.

What's yours is mine...

The toughest part of that old adage of what's yours is mine, what's mine is yours, is what happens when it isn't anymore? I know the conversation is going to come when we discuss who gets what. My initial desire of not wanting any of these memories is coming to an end. Now I just want what I need to survive plus a few things, here and there, that mean something to me.

Oof. It still feels like I am getting kicked on the chest.

Makes me wanna...

Back and forth, like a see-saw. Some days I am high, others I am low.

I just want to scream.

Therapy went really well this morning.

The number of the beast...

It feels like this THING has been awakened. Something I thought I lost. Something I cared for so much but somehow lost touch with. It feels like this thing is sweeping in and making its presence felt every step of the way. This thing moves like a beast -- with such force and strength and power -- and I can't help but get caught up in it.

This thing is friendship.

This thing is you, dear reader.

I have received some great well wishes from great friends. I have been taken out and driven around town until late hours of the night/early hours of the morning. I have been bought drinks with a smile that says, "Hey. Cheer up. We love you." I have had people tell me they see a strength in me that is encouraging and empowering. I have been given an ear to vent to, given a word of encouragement, given a drink, given a shot, given a hug, given dinner, and given time.

I have been given such great friendship by such great people. I know that more is still to come, too. I do not have the words to give you back what you have all given me. Even if I have yet to take you up on your offer, know that I appreciate that it is there and that you will be called very soon. I thank you so much for being there for me, either as a listening ear, a reading eye, or just someone who knows that keeping busy is key.

How does a man get through a divorce he didn't want? How does a man that loves a woman that doesn't love him anymore get through it?

Day by day. One step at a time. With many great friends.

The Last Kiss

Not many people get the chance to know exactly when their last kiss with another person is. I did. I knew that it was coming. It was coming because I asked for it. But, it didn't make it any easier. These final kisses were truly her just going through the motions. I wondered about when her last meaningful kiss with me was. I know that she can't pinpoint it, so I didn't ask.

From here on, things change. She leaves town for three weeks and I move into the guestroom. When she returns, we will file paperwork and be roommates for two weeks. Then I move out.

Oh the times, they are a-changing...

No, really. Fuck this shit.

After a conversation today, I realized a lot. She isn't going to miss me. She might miss some of the things we did and some of the good times we had, but she isn't going to miss me in the way I would hope for. So really... WE are dead. The WE we were. The WE that spent our honeymoon at Disneyworld. The WE that wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. The WE that were there for each other unconditionally. The good WE we used to be is no more. Right now, there's just her and me. Since this is kind of an "Aha" moment for me, maybe I can begin to grow.

I don't hate her. I won't let myself hate her. I am not really pleased with her, as you can imagine, but I can't bring myself to hate her. I don't like how trying to do so feels.

She will move on much quicker than I will. She will probably fool around with someone again sooner than I feel is appropriate for her to do so. But if she has been ending this for a year, I can't really blame her. Everybody has to take their time to move on and she has. She may not date someone for awhile like she says she won't. Maybe she will eventually realize that I am not as bad of a match as she thinks I am. I'm not counting on it and not waiting around for it, but if she does, that will at least give me some sense of satisfaction.

Me, I am terrified of the notion of being out there again. I have an extreme lack of confidence right now. Liquid confidence is too expensive to have to constantly use. I think my current lack of self confidence isn't really that ridiculous. I just got dumped. Dumped in marriage. I mean, that is a confidence destroyer.

I do need to move on. I have too much life in these bones to just roll over and die. I will surround myself with my nearest friends and roll hardcore through this life. I will go through bad days but I will have good days. I deserve them. THIS will not be the end of me. This too shall pass.

Today is a bad day

We were supposed to have one last nice day of hanging out today. It is 3:30 PM CST and she has not come home yet.

Fuck this shit.

Ad nauseum

One of the worst feelings is the nausea and how quickly it takes over. This heartbreak thing really feels like it is a constant and continual punch or kick to the gut. It hurts, but mostly it just leaves me feeling ill. The notion of food is weird. Sometimes, I hate the idea of eating at all, while other times, all I want to do is stuff my face with anything and everything. I think, eventually, I will get back to even.

I went out drinking last night. I was very proud of myself. I believe I sent her three texts. That is it. No calls. Three texts. I also don't think those three texts were too bad. The problem is, I still sent three texts. This is me giving her the power. She already has all of it in her hands. She doesn't need any more.

My other texts I sent last night, well, we'll refrain from discussing those here. I may have made a poor attempt to fake the notion of moving on. Nothing happened, but it was kind of fun trying. That leaves me with a little bit of hope. My new chapter has a character my previous ones were kind of lacking: me with confidence.