Coming to an end...

This oddly emotional week is coming to an end. I can't be more thankful. It was just sad. There were so many things I wanted to do this week that I didn't do. Some of that is because, for the first time through all of this, I didn't feel like getting out of bed. I snoozed five minutes. Ten. Twenty. One hour. Two. I just couldn't convince myself to get up. I missed out on all of the exercising I had grand ambitions of doing. I delayed ripping some DVDs for a friend until just now. I didn't clean my bedroom (though, to be honest, it isn't that dirty). I was going to join this volleyball league at work but I overslept today and didn't go to the meeting. I pretty much have just sat here on the computer for the last few days, not doing anything productive. I mean, I did hang out with friends a bit, but I even reduced my time doing that this week. I should look for a part time job.

I haven't watched really ANY of the shows I DVR'd over the past two weeks. That I wonder is my sense of rebellion towards how things were. All we did was watch TV. I have just started exploring this city and, while it isn't huge, it isn't bad. There are things to do. The bars are kind of fun. That may also be because when I go out, I try and drown the sadness and let the fun guy out. I succeed at that pretty regularly. Perhaps my not watching the stuff I've DVR'd (which is actually reality show free, save for The Biggest Loser) is my way of kicking part of my past to the curb. I have already kicked one show completely to the curb due to scheduling conflicts and my lack of enjoyment of the show's direction last season. There may be more to come. We'll see.

And then this... urge... thing. Guh. I know that it isn't something that will be satiated anytime soon. It's just -- it has been so long. I don't mean that as, "Whew! I have been single for two months. Damn that is a long time." I mean that this started a long time ago and I am starting to get a little nutty. Meh. I'm turning into a guy right before everyone's very eyes.

I don't want to be...

Does the love that people have for one another on The Biggest Loser actually exist? How does it feel to have a spouse that supports you so much? How does it feel to have someone stick by you when you are going through something as scary as obesity? I wouldn't know. I tried to know, but she left me. The progress didn't matter to her. The overall failure did. It HAS to matter to me or I won't get back on the horse. How do I make it matter?

Songs...

Since things have gone downhill again, I want to post some songs. I have been reading a friend's blog that went through a divorce in 2009. She posted some songs right away. While yes, it has been two months and maybe I shouldn't be back where I was emotionally, but this really is a tough road. My heart aches. I will always be HER ex-husband. SHE will always be my ex-wife. We're not just a couple of kids that dated and then it didn't work so we called it quits so she could bang Jimmy after band practice. No. We are two people that loved each other and decided to spend our lives together... until she decided she didn't want to anymore. I like the song idea. These are my two. I'll just let the lyrics do the talking.

Don't Forget by Demi Lovato (Yes. I know.)

Did you forget
That I was even alive
Did you forget
Everything we ever had
Did you forget
Did you forget
About me

Did you regret
Ever standing by my side
Did you forget
What we were feeling inside
Now I'm left to forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

So now I guess
This is where we have to stand
Did you regret
Ever holding my hand
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget

We had it all
We were just about to fall
Even more in love
Than we were before
I won't forget
I won't forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
At all

And at last
All the pictures have been burned
And all the past
Is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget
Please don't forget us

But somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About us

Against All Odds by Phil Collins (The Gavin Degraw cover kills me.)

How can I just let you walk away
Let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath
With you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, well that's all I can do
And that's what I've got to face

Take a good look at me now
'Cause I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've got to take

Just take a look at me now

And a bonus:

I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt

turn down the lights
turn down the bed
turn down these voices
inside my head
lay down with me
tell me no lies
just hold me close
don't patronize
don't patronize me

chorus:
i can't make you love me if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
somethin' it wont
here in the dark,in these final hours
i will lay down my heart
and i'll feel the power if you wont
no you wont
cuz i can't make you love me
if you don't

i'll close my eyes
then i wont see
the love you don't feel
when you're holdin' me
morning will come
and i'll do what's right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and i will give up this fight

i can't make you love me if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
somethin' it wont
here in the dark,in these final hours
i will lay down my heart
and i'll feel the power if you wont
no you wont
cuz i can't make you love me
if you don't

Well I held up my head...

And I heard an "Amen!"
And I prayed, "Sweet Jesus!
Don't let me become a backslider!"

I am. I am backsliding. The last few days have been miserable. I keep thinking about her and how much this hurts. I can just picture her, smiling, with some other guy, happy, having the best time of her life. Me... I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable. I just don't know what to do.

I think I will schedule an appointment with that therapist again tomorrow.

Why me? That's what I want to know from all of this. Why me? Why is this happening to me? I feel like I am a good person. I have such a big heart and everyone knows it. Why can't good, caring people get rewarded? Why do I feel so shit on? When will I get some good in my life?

I'm crying again. I should go.

It's your f'n nightmare...

So let's start with last night. I was going to update with this thing I already had written. Instead, I went out on the town and had fun. Let me stress that. When I was out, I had fun. Then, we came back here. It was myself, two guy friends, and two female friends. While we were at the last bar, one of my guy friends was joined by two female co-workers. One was super sweet and very easy on the eyes. Also... she had awesome hair. The other was the complete opposite. Mean. Rude. Obnoxious. Grotesque. Covered her hair with some kind of cap. Just awful. BUT... they were out with us when the bar closed, so we invited them over to my place for a little after bar hangout. This was mistake. When we got back here, everything was fine. The girls retreated to my balcony to drink and smoke and were joined by the guy that brought them and one of my female friends. My other guy friend and I showed the other female friend around the apart. Eventually, everyone came back in and we chatted about stuff. Then, again, the two girls retreated to the balcony. About ten minutes later, there was a knock on my door. Shit. We're too loud, I thought. I will apologize and wrap this thing up. Instead, there were two guys hanging out, beers in hand.

"Hey. Are we being too loud? Sorry. We'll tone it down."
"We were invited up to drink with you guys?"
"What?"
"Those chicks said we could come up and drink up here."
"Ummm... they don't live here. I do. Sorry for the confusion, but no. I don't even know them."
"But they said we could come up."
"Sorry. Like I said, they don't live here and I am wrapping things up. I'll let them come out and tell you."

I had my friend go get his two female friends so I could explain that these guys were here and so that they could tell the "gentlemen" that they weren't invited. Rude girl cussed and said I was lame.

"Don't you want to get to know your new neighbors?"
"No. I really don't."

I asked her to go tell them about the mistake. She went out with her nicer friend. I locked the door as a precaution. Again, I don't want my new charming neighbors coming in when they aren't invited. I told my guy friend that invited them that I think I am calling an end to the night. He was very apologetic and said the understood. The girls knocked on the door. Nice girl said she needed to run down to her car to find her phone and asked if I would let her back in. I agreed. I let rude girl in and told her that I was calling an end to the night. Immediately, she started bitching about it.

"So you're just kicking us out?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I live here. I'm tired. I'm ready for this to be done."
"That's fucking lame."
"Well... I am lame then. I am okay with that."

I should mention at this point that my OTHER guy friend that was here at that time had left to help my other female friend home. It was now me, guy one, girl one, and the two girls that guy friend brought over. Guy one gathered his stuff up, apologized, and helped rude girl get her stuff together.

"That is fucking lame. Hey (guy one). Maybe we can drink downstairs. Do you wanna go downstairs and drink?"
"Sure."

So... they left. Nice girl came back to gather her things and was extremely apologetic. I told her it was cool, she was nice, and that I wasn't upset with her. She apologized again and left. It was just myself and my friend, girl one. We started having a nice conversation about the night and life and all of that jazz when there was a knock on the door. I went to it and the peep hole was covered.

"You're gonna have to move your hand if you'd like my attention."

Nothing.

"You're gonna have to move your hand."

Blockage replaced with a middle finger. Also, my new neighbor.

"And THAT is your middle finger, so you are coming up here to meet me with aggression, so I will just let you go on back downstairs. I apologize for the confusion, but you should just head on home."
"When you gonna stop being such a bitch?"
"What's that?"
"When you gonna stop being a bitch?"
"Wow. That's polite to someone you don't even know."
"When you gonna stop being --"
"Okay. I get it. When am I gonna stop being a bitch? Would it make you feel better if I just confessed to being a bitch? Would that make you happier and you can go back home happy and get some sleep?"
"When you gonna --"
"Hey. Hey. I'm a bitch! Whoo hoo! Yay me! I'm a bitch. Congratulations, sir! Pleasure meeting you!"
"You're a fat fucking bitch."
"Ah. I see you and my ex-wife share the same opinion. Perhaps you should contact her. Have a good night!"

I left the door. I don't know how much longer my new bestie stood outside my door. I'm sure some people would call me some derogatory term for not going out there and physically intimidating my new buddy. I was drunk. I was kind of down. I was in no mood to be scary. Plus, we all know I am not a fighter. Today, though, I thought about the notion of being confronted by him in the future and all I envisioned was me smashing his face in. We'll see what happens, I guess.

To continue this long ass blog entry, I'll talk about other things. Since we did just have one long story, I'll hit the little points before closing with my two nightmares.

I am, for the most part, getting better. Today was a bad day. I watched the season premiere of DEXTER which was one of our shows. This was the first episode of the show I have watched without her. It was also kind of a sad episode. I had a bit of a breakdown. It was a combination of the two things. Same thing happened during the season premiere of The Biggest Loser. These big people can't find love or have lost their love and it's just... very my life. But yeah. I am starting to feel a little better about things. The worst is, as I've said, freezing up when I think I see her. That and when I hear from her. I don't want to. At all. I am trying my best to move forward, but when I open my email or Facebook and I see something from her, everything hits me so hard. Even if she is just "being nice" or passing along information. My trying to forget that she exists is working well for me. I do have to say, though, that I had a strong moment in knowing what is going on in her life. Apparently her DVR crashed and didn't record some of her TV shows. This is very important to her. When I read that, I thought of my new cable box and DVR and how it recorded everything I programmed. How I don't have to position my remote at some odd angle to make everything work. I thought about all of that and I laughed.

I really appreciate my friends and how unbelievably supportive they have been through all of this. I have made a few new friends and strengthened bonds. I really let a lot of my friendship fall -- well, not to the back burner, but off the stove completely. I don't ever want to do that again. It seems like love or like or whatever you want to call it comes and goes. Friends. Friends are constant. Even if you drift away, they will be right there when you wade back.

Since mostly females read this (oddly enough), I should probably ask you women to skip ahead to the next paragraph. I know you won't, so I will try to be less slimy than I would if this were just dudes reading here. While yeah I miss the closeness and companionship of another person and the cuddling and hugs and all of that sweet stuff, there is another part of me. The guy side. The guy side really is getting... worked up and backed up. I know, I know. Some of you don't want to know any of this. You can skip it. I said you could. But there are moments where I am just on the verge of running out and making horrible decisions with no discretion. No standards. Not according to some type I like. The type I defer to is with no "p" but a vah-jee. Have I done anything about that yet? No. I haven't. I have even shot down the notion of having a crush on someone because, really, I am not ready for anything. I had a There's Something About Mary moment with some girl. It was like, no matter what, everybody, at one time or another was into this girl. I was a little late to the party and I thought I dug her for a spell. Truth is, I do, but just as a friend. I can't transfer my feelings from HER to this new girl because, really, that is all it would be. But... then there's the physical stuff. If the opportunity presented itself to do some getting down, would I? I can't answer that. I am both crazy horny and crazy hurting.

That paragraph is over for those of you that actually skipped it.

Now the nightmares.

The first one involved her. I showed up at this bar for like a high school reunion of sorts. There were all of these people I knew in high school and I was very happy to see them. Suddenly, SHE walks in. I sigh but know that I need to talk to her. I mean, she is looking right at me. So, I walk over to her and we start arguing right away. She tells me that I am handling myself very poorly and I should be over her by now. I tell her it isn't that easy because I actually loved her and still did when we split up. I look from a second and when I look back at her, she is replaced with her friend that is a model and also divorced. HER personality and voice still exist, but the physical form is now that of her friend. We continue our argument about the healing process. I look away and she changes into another friend. Same thing. Then it just kind of flickers between the three (my guess is that my subconscious chose those two friends because they are most like her and ones that I would be attracted to). Eventually, we get to a stopping point. She tells me there is a chance I can get her back. She tells me to do so, I have to ride The Wild. I ask why that matters. She says that it just shows my desire to get her back and my commitment to us. So... I say I will do it. I turn and turn back to ask her a question and she is gone. So, I decide to leave the bar. On the way out, there is a huge fight. Different people I knew from my college days were beating up my high school friends.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked a very buff version of my old boss from a local eatery.
"Because this asshole deserves it!"
"Asshole? He's my friend!"
"Really? Well... maybe YOU really are an asshole too!"

He turned on me, but I ran out the door and saw the pathway leading to The Wild. It went through this field that was actually a wildlife preserve. I ran through the field, expecting it to be easy until a huge crocodile chomped at my leg. It missed. I kept running. Another croc. Dodge. Keep going. Another. It got my ankle and was pulling me in like the Sarlac pit from Return of the Jedi. I was saved when a tiger tore the face off of that croc. It swipped at my leg, but I got away. Almost to The Wild, I got plowed into by a huge rhino. I flew through the air, but landed right in front of The Wild, a huge rollercoaster. I was ready to do it -- to ride The Wild -- when SHE stepped out of the shadows.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I want you back and I willing to do whatever you want!"
"Silly man. Riding a rollercoaster isn't going to win me back."
"What?"
"Honestly, nothing is. I was just messing with you. You're still a loser."

And then I woke up.

I won't explain all of dream two. I'll just hit the highlights. I was driving and I must have taken a wrong turn. SHE was only in this for a second, as a cop, firing at me from her car. I drove past at top speed. Eventually, I was stopped by other cops. I had driven into the scene of a terrorist attack, a train crash. They thought I was a terrorist. Instead, I had accidentally driven right to the site of one of my niece's death. I saw her lying there, broken in the wreckage of this train. I cried so hard. But that was nothing compared to what happened next. My phone rang. It was my younger brother. I answered.

"Hey! Oh my God, this is --"
"Hey. I just want you to know I love you. No matter what happens."
"What?"
"I love you."
"I love you, too. What?"

A new unknown voice.

"Hey. He loves you. He said so. Remember that."

Suddenly, through the phone, there is a loud gunshot. I scream my brother's name. The phone responds with laughter.

I woke up in a panic from both dreams.

I should also mention a day dream. I mention this, and please don't panic, because it is a thought I had that I refuse to act on. Please be aware of that. My life is not complete yet and I am not going anywhere until I have accomplished what I have my heart set on. I just have had visuals of this that are haunting on bad days that drive me to get better. Please. Don't be alarmed. I have visualized myself climbing onto my balcony rail, extending my arms, and falling off ever so gracefully. I have had that visual, more often, at the old place than the new one. In fact, one of my best moments in the script I am writing is of one such vision. I feel like, you have to face the pain and the hurt and the suffering and the visions of an easy out to make you fight all of it and come out on the other side okay -- even a little better.

So I am... I am fighting.

Tonight's the night

My goal is to a big update either tonight or tomorrow. I sat down at work yesterday and outlined all of the things I wanted to talk about. Life, as a whole, is getting easier. I have these moments of pain that hit really hard. They leave me aching, crying, moaning for hours at their worst. But they are just moments now. They aren't entire days. Well... the 20th was rough and I imagine 10/11 will be horrendously difficult. If any loyal reader wants to take me out the night of the 20th and get me messed up so I forget what day it is, I will forever be in your debt. BUT... for the most part, just the moments are bad.

She still isn't off the hook, though. When I think of or hear from or think I see her, I freeze up. Still. It's going to be like that for awhile. For the time being, though, I am trying to live my life as if she does not exist.

Longer blog later. I have a lot to talk about.

Make sure you're connected...

I have been disconnected from the internet, but now I am back. I need to take advantage of this blog. Posting an entry now is kind of difficult because I am in pretty good spirits. It's when I am down and mopey when it is easy. Those moments come and go, but right now, I am truly cherishing this high moment.

I have had some rough days since moving into the new place.

I am terrified of the notion of seeing her in public, especially if she is with some other guy. I can't live my life according to that fear, though. I need to do things I want to do my way with no fear.

I have nicknamed my vehicle The White Stallion and my apartment The Fortress of Solitude. I like them. Fortress of Solitude is more of a Superman reference than a lonely reference. Most won't get it, but I do and that is what matters.

Oh... hey Facebook. Why do you have to show pictures constantly of me and her in my Photo Memories box? Go away. Go AWAY!

A guy I was on the Orientation Team with lives in the same building here that I do. Hopefully, we will get to spark some kind of a friendship again. We'll see.

Don't lose your head...

When I move, my goal is to get back on the weight loss wagon. Before May of this year, I had lost 50 lbs of my goal to get to 100 lbs lost by the age of 30. I hit a bit of a snag in the road. I haven't put all of that back on, but enough to make me feel bad about stopping. When I get all moved, working out will become my new vice. I need to take some of this weight off. I need to take a lot of it off. I need to get healthy. I need to become happy with myself. I need to try to strengthen my body and mind. I need to get myself looking like I feel. I need to try to make myself look physically more attractive. I am doing this for me first, but I do have to keep in mind that looks spark the initial connection. The way my fat ass looks now isn't going to turn any heads.

Also... if I get into shape, I am considering getting a tattoo. I'm thinking it over. I don't want it to be something stupid. I want it to be awesome and meaningful. It will probably be some representation of what is important to me. We'll see what happens.

The last few days have been tough because we have been getting along. It is much easier to move when I hate her guts.