Things That Got Me Through It, Part Two

(originally written for another blog)

NBC's "Community"

I have been really stressing this one a lot lately. I think it is because the Community confessions blog has shown me that I am not alone and because I am super pumped for the third season to start soon. I just haven’t gone into great detail on the issue. Now is as good of a time as any. Sit back. Relax. Let me take you on a very personal journey of how one TV show helped pull me out of a very dark place in my life through laughter, intelligence, creativity, and friendship.

I started watching Community at the pilot episode because I loved Joel McHale on The Soup. I saw that he was going to be on a new TV show on my favorite night of TV, so I had high hopes. My wife and I were really excited for it and, when it aired, quite pleased with what we had seen. As the first season went along, I started to enjoy it more and more. I wasn’t in love with it, but I really enjoyed it. As with most people, though, the show captured my heart with “Modern Warfare.” From that point on, I knew that I would forever be a fan of the show. My wife and I even made sure we watched the season finale LIVE instead of DVR’d and gasped in shock when Jeff and Annie kissed. We debated for hours on whether the relationship was appropriate, despite the chemisty between the two. I think I was okay with it (though the traditional sitcom fan in me is really pulling for Jeff and Britta in the long run). She wasn’t and kind of seemed like she was over the show. My love for it, however, was only getting stronger.

Something about me: when I like something, I kind of obsess over it. I want to know everything about it. With Community, I went online and read interviews with the stars, watched behind the scenes videos, and listened to various podcasts discussing different elements of the show. I was making myself really excited for the return of the show. I knew nothing would stop me from watching the series when it came back, even if my wife refused.

At the end of July of last year, my wife told me that she had fallen out of love with me and asked for a divorce. There were tears and arguments. Needless to say, it was not a pleasant time. But yes. I gave in and accepted the divorce. I moved out and started my new life on my own.

As time went on, I prepared myself for the new tv season to start. I know that it is a silly thing to get hung up on, but my wife was my TV buddy. We had started numerous series together. Watching our shows was such a fun thing to me. It was hard to watch a lot of the shows I used to watch due to some emotional attachment. The season five premiere of Dexter was a personal disaster. TV, as a whole, became something I didn’t want much to do with because of her.

I was in a really bad place. Coping with the loss of love is hard, especially when I felt so blind-sided by it being ripped away from me. I lost who, at the time, I thought was not only my lover and partner, but my best friend. I had my world turned upside down and I didn’t know how to handle it. I felt alone. That no one was there, even though friends were. I felt like things would never get better, though eventually, it did. I thought I would never be happy again. I thought I would never stop hurting. That was a dark time and I did things that I thought would make the emotional pain stop for awhile. I plotted ways to make it stop for good. I, of course, never followed through.

The day the second season of Community was set to debut, I knew I wanted to watch it. I knew it was going to be hard, but I also knew I was going to be entertained. So, I took a deep breath and sat on my couch. It started and I was captivated immediately. All it took was seeing Donald Glover in Spider-man pajamas.

As the season went along, it only got better. It took everything that worked about the first season and built upon it (something typical Community punchline, Glee, failed to do). It strengthened the characters. Tightened the bonds. Layered jokes on top of jokes. Created solid stories. Bent the rules of sitcoms. It became something that I admired and inspired my creativity. I saw things about myself and my friends in the characters (Abed’s pop culture referencing sometimes makes me feel like they’re watching me talk to people). I wanted to see how each week would top the one that came before.

I found each week to be engaging. It is more than a typical sitcom. It is such a love letter to geeks like me. It made me smile when, some nights, all I felt like doing was crying. The writing is so sharp and creative. I wondered how these ideas came to be. I wanted to find a way to become a writer for this show. I also wanted to become friends with the group. It’s so nice to see a group of actors that work so well together. They get along well offscreen which makes their onscreen chemistry all the better. And don’t get me started on listening to one of my favorite musical acts, Childish Gambino (Donald Glover), because of this show. Oy.

Early on, my favorite part of the show was the friendship of Troy and Abed. Overall, the show is more than that to me now, but I still cherish that friendship. I am lucky because I have friendships that are like that. I am the Troy to one of my friend’s Abed, while also being the Abed to another friend’s Troy. It is such a close, funny, and honest bond that I think so many people can relate to, which I think is why those two are so popular.

When I say Community saved my life, I don’t mean one episode inspired me to be a better person. I don’t mean I tracked it week by week and had to live because I wanted to see an arc come to fruition. I mean it saved my life by providing something to smile about when I really felt like dying. I was so depressed. I felt like my world had ended. Community was something to distract me from my shit for a little while. Something to entertain me.

As season two went on, it just got better. Eventually, I did, too. Community wasn’t the only thing that helped me out of my depression. It wasn’t like a magic snap that cured everything. As all of the pieces fell back into place, I was left being able to enjoy the show without the melodramatic notion of it saving my life. I was able to enjoy it as the best comedy on television. I was able to enjoy it as a smart, hilarious, entertaining, ensemble piece. I spread the show on to my friends. I have been able to convert four people, so far. I’m working on more. This show means so much to me, I want to see it go on for awhile. Trying to get more people to watch it is my way of making that happen.

So yeah. I am thankful for the show. The cast and crew. I am thankful it exists. If it wasn’t there, yeah, I probably would have been fine. Since it was, though, I am thankful for it being clever enough to distract me during what really were my darkest days. I also appreciate that is so entertaining enough for me to have watched to first two season, in their entirity, more times than I can count. So to Dan Harmon, the Russo brothers, Joel McHale, Gillian Jacobs, Danny Pudi, Donald Glover, Alison Brie, Yvette Nicole Brown, Chevy Chase, Ken Jeong, Jim Rash, etc., I say thank you so very much for all that you do. Your silly little meta sitcom really means a great deal to so many people.

This is long, but maybe not perfectly organized. I haven’t slept yet. Doing that now. I just wanted to get it out there.

Things That Got Me Through It, Part One

I should preface this by saying I'm not 100% yet. I had a slight relapse of sadness and anger lately. I attended a wedding a few weeks ago, the first wedding I have attended since... well... this all has happened. I was very happy for the couple, but still internally cynical over the whole process. This isn't the best thing to say seeing as how I am mostly followed by married, engaged, or happily committed folks. I'm just in a place of cynicism of love. I think, though, you can understand that. That said, though, I was mostly down at the wedding because I was lonely. I think that makes me a hypocrite.

The anger came about when SHE turned in an application at a company to which I have a close ties. It crossed the boss's desk and I quickly got a text:

"I thought SHE moved."
"What?"
"Didn't you say she moved?"
"I thought so."
"She turned in an application."
"Oh fuck."
"Look. The position has already been filled but I thought you said she moved."
"I thought she did."

Since you never know who reads this, I will leave out details of the conversation. He did say, however, that I am a part of this family now and that they would never do anything to jeopardize that. But the position was already filled.

I was angry because she is supposed to be gone. Why would she want to come down here to do that job? She knows that is my new home. Is she trying to throw her weight around and make me be on notice? I wouldn't be able to handle dealing with her. The idea of bumping into her is back on my mind and I am slightly terrified. I still hurt a bit, especially when her presence is felt.

It has almost been a year. On September 3rd, it will have been a year since I moved out. Since I last saw her. Because I am, for the most part, getting better, I thought I would start a series talking about things that helped me get better. These may be silly things to you. How can a TV show help someone through a divorce? Or a book? Or a website? Or an album? It's the little things, folks. The little things.

Eminem - "Recovery"

The album is dedicated "2 anyone who's in a dark place tryin' to 2 get out. Keep your head up... It does get better!"

This album was released as Eminem had just survived his own struggles: addiction, divorce, death of his friend, etc. I first heard this album while I was still married. At that point, I just thought of it as a very solid rap record. When the divorce occurred, I picked up on the pain that was a through-line blazing across each track. There is a sense of defeat. Struggle. But there is also a sense of rising above it. The preceding album, "Relapse," was a hit, much like all of Eminem's albums, but it lacked the emotional drive of, well, all of Eminem's other albums. "Recovery" is all emotion. It is the tale of redemption and forgiveness. This music comes from a man who, on a previous album, has a track in which he simulates the murder of his ex-wife. Oddly enough, they remarried after that only to break-up again. This time, he confesses that they just weren't right for each other. They tried to be, but each person brought too much volatility to the relationship. "Recovery" is about growth.

Listening to "Recovery," you're bound to pick up on the general things that make rap music so appealing: awesome rhymes over catchy beats. It's how Marshall Mathers constructs his rhymes and the words he chooses that makes this album so fantastic. He covers so much ground. This is a man that was truly defeated by the loss of his friend. When you have that friend that balances you out, it truly is a special feeling. That's is what Proof was to Eminem. When he lost that, he lost a part of himself. Think of the pain. He was in a really rough place for awhile. "Recovery" is what came of that.

I like that "Recovery" is dedicated to those going through hard times. There is a sense of help in the album; that this man wants to help you through it. Earlier Eminem albums are angry. So angry. Self centered. But as Em grew up, so did his music. Oh sure. He'll throw a silly celebrity insult every now and again, but the overall content of his music tells the tale of a man who has gone through some shit.

"Recovery" was a constant car album for me. I played it on repeat for weeks at a time. When I took it out, my mix CD it was replaced with featured "25 to Life," "Space Bound," and "Love The Way You Lie," three songs that had, in my eyes, a lot to do with what I was going through. I shed many a tear to these songs. However, something about them lifted me up. They carried me on to the next mile. I found the redemption. I found the strength. I felt like I could bounce back. Survive. Even if the subject matter wasn't the same, I found themes I could identify with and I championed the album. I constantly praised it. To this day, I still consider it a consistently solid rap album that has a lot going for it, message-wise.

Yes. Eminem's "Recovery" helped save my life.