Yeah, yeah, yeah, so hard.

My life seems to be an endless cycle right now. I miss her. I don't miss her. I get lonely. I miss her. I don't miss her. I get lonely. I miss her. Rinse. Repeat.

I removed and blocked her on Facebook. I had to. I can't deal with the feelings that come up when she changes her picture. I can't deal with the feelings that come up when I read about something she does. I also removed a large number of friends. It is just so hard and it continues to be hard. I don't know what I need to do to get past this.

Oh... and I probably should make note of the fact that I am now officially divorced. Papers signed and submitted. I thought maybe I would hear something from her, but I haven't. My guess is maybe I won't hear from her at all anymore. Her friend borrowed some of my movies back when we were together, so I need to get those back. We have a liason who can do the transporting of goods from one to the other. Still... it's just... it's really fucking hard. I don't deserve this. I didn't want this. I can't keep feeling sorry for myself and I am trying to get past that. Some days, I actually succeed. I just have moments where it is really hard.

And I'm free... Free Falling.

It's a weird feeling to be both over and not over someone, which probably means I am not over someone. Yeah. I'm not. Three months ago, I was having "THE TALK" that led to where I am now. In less than a week, the final papers will be submitted and I am officially divorced/single. I dunno which term to use. I am single again. I use that and the implication is out there that I am "ready to mingle" which I am and am not ready to do. There are things that I am ready to do, but a new relationship is not at the top of my list. Divorced just sounds so... off-putting, but I am that. Not off-putting. Divorced. I am struggling to find happiness and contentment. I am in that life limbo still. I have moments of happiness and moments of sadness and moments of anger. I am not consistent with my emotions. It's limbo. This whole things is just going to take some time. The play will help. Hanging with my friends will help. Not seeing her will help. I'm just still carrying this burden on my shoulders that I can't quite seem to shake. I can't actively pursue another relationship because my feelings for HER have not ended. Any relationship right now will be doomed to fail. The feelings I have for someone else will basically just be a transference of feelings from HER. No one deserves that.

A lot of my thoughts right now seem to drift towards the typical guy thoughts. I don't want a relationship but I want someone to share my bed with me. I want that closeness and, yeah, I want someone to make out with, but I don't want to feel like I am expected to instantly just give myself completely over to someone else. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to have a friendship with someone -- a close bond with someone -- that may occasionally lead to some kissing and sleeping next to each other.

Sigh... I'm going to get judged for all of this, I can feel it.

Imagine that...

Sometimes it takes feeling like you are close to death to make you really feel alive.

Music helps you through the worst of times. Yeah, best, too, but the worst is when it is oh so very important. Most of my friends know that Eminem's RECOVERY has kind of been my bread and butter these past few months. The way I feel right now can be summed up in these lyrics from "No Love" featuring Lil Wayne.

I’m alive again
More alive than I have been in my whole entire life
I can see these people’s ears perk up as I begin
To spaz with the pen, I’m a little bit sicker than most
Shit’s finna get thick again

Things have been very interesting this past week. So much so that I can't even go into details here. I have been all smiles the last couple of days. No, this does not mean that someone came to my door and asked that I take her back. No... this just means that life goes on. My fear that mine wouldn't has been put somewhat to rest and now I rebuild to make this life all that it should be; all that it deserves to be. Be afraid folks. The light just got closer and I am picking up some steps to the groove.

Get out of my dreams...

Get out of my life.

Yep. I dreamed about her again. It just takes the wind out of my sails.

In the dream, we were flirting with each other, like there was a chance that things would work out. Then, I guess I took it too far and she said, "You know I'm just messing around, right? We're done. For good." We had a little argument where I told her she was leading me on and she apologized but thought I knew we were just playing around. We were in the mix of this whole group of people and we let them pass and continue arguing. I get frustrated and turn my back to her. When I turn back, she's gone. I consult with my friends that are there and they comfort me and offer advice, when I notice this restaurant ahead of us. I go look in the window and I see her with her friends. There are a couple of guys peppered around the table. One of them is right next to her, kind of staring at her. She looks up from her plate to see me at the window and gives me one of her, "get me out of here" looks. Against better judgment, I go in. I go up to the table and say hello. I ask her what's up. She says, "Oh nothing. Some friends and I were trying to have a nice lunch and then these random gentlemen joined us and I've got the creepy one eyeballing me. He is really creepy and just making my feel very uncomfortable." I point to him and use my loud, angry voice, "This guy right here." He sounds like a weasel (and looks a little like my downstairs neighbor). "Get out of here, man." I smile, turn my back, and then turn back to him with crazy eyes, but still a calm voice. "Look. If you are trying to get with her, you are going about it all wrong. Being creepy and crazy certainly isn't the way to do it. If you'd be observant, you'd notice she has no interest in you whatsoever and you'd just tip the fuck out the door with your buddies there. I'm offering you kind hearted advice, but if you choose against it, I guess I can flip the switch and, as this lovely young lady's ex-fucking-husband, I can fly into a jealous rage and beat the ever-loving shit out of you right in front of her and your friends. What's your choice, chief?" He stands and apologizes and leaves, friends following behind. She thanks me and I nod, "You're welcome."

My friends and I leave and walk to this bar. An old bartender friend from college is tending bar and he's happy to see us. Suddenly, the guy from the restaurant comes in and sits down at a table. An older guy goes up to him and shakes his hand. The younger guy is visibly upset. My bartender friend say, "Uh-oh. Lloyd still looks upset."
"You know him?"
"Yeah. His daddy owns this place."
"Oh good. I gotta take a leak."
I head back to the bathroom and unzip my pants, when the door swings open. I suspected something like this would happen, so I took a wide stance, somewhat blocking the door from completely opening. The person on the other side of the door tries again. I step back to let them fly into the bathroom. Caught off guard, the guy is vulnerable. I kick him in the face. He swings at me, I swing back. Imagine a fight sequence worthy of Black Dynamite and Scott Pilgrim. That is what followed. Me and like three guys. I was capable of moves I never knew I had. When the fight came to an end, I stood victorious over these broken bodies below.
"Lloyd!" I shouted and turned to look where he sat before. He was still there. With her.
"Did you know his dad owns this bar and five others in town?"
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"You know how much I love free drinks. This is free drinks -- for life," and she starts to make out with him right in front of me. I collapse to my knees... and woke up.

Before that, I had a sex dream featuring one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. As awesome as that was, the second dream ruined it.

Job Op

The artistic director of a local dinner theatre called me, asking me if I wanted to take a part in their upcoming production of The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee. Rehearsals would be on Sunday - Thursday. The director said he would be super flexible with rehearsals, but that, of course, I would have to make it to every performance. I am torn. Do I do this, take one more step towards doing what I love and stepping away from what I have lost or do I stay the course? Work and make money, save money, and get onstage again in a year?

What I believe...

I don't think that I will ever find the same kind of love I felt for her again. I think back on how in love we were and how I just let myself fall, and it all seems so silly. I don't know if I will ever feel that again. I don't know if I will experience that love that makes me feel so young, and vibrant, and alive. Just kissing whenever. The fooling around. The fun and silly stuff. Just doing random ridiculous things. I don't know if I can even open my heart to letting a female be my best friend again. I have always had feelings for my best female friend. Always. If you think you were, at one point, my best female friend, odds are, I had a crush on you. I operate under the WHEN HARRY MET SALLY philosophy.

Back to my point. I mean, maybe it is because of where I am right now. I dunno. I just don't feel like I am capable of that again. I am a pretty damn good boyfriend, fiance, and husband. I have just been so shit on in my love life.

You know what I wish I would have spent more time doing? Collecting more friends with benefits. Not necessarily the benefits you think. Just the kind that don't mind sleeping next to someone in bed. Falling asleep talking to them. Holding them. I know. This all comes right after saying that I don't know if I can have a best female friend. I think I can. I am just furious with my two best female friends. One, of course, decided she didn't love me anymore and is divorcing me. The other has abandoned me in my time of need. No response to phone calls, texts, Facebook messages. Nothing. Friends for six years. I have always been there for her. When the shoe is on the other foot, she's gone.

Maybe I am just too depressing.

I constructed a scene for my screenplay today. I didn't want this to be a love story, and it isn't, though our hero will probably kiss this new female character. She is a combination of two Sioux Falls friends, a Texas friend, and Natalie Portman's character in BEAUTIFUL GIRLS (except not a teenager). This character needs to exist in order to move our story forward. To make it seem like he has a future. Looks forward to the possibility of something. Doesn't hate women entirely. Yes. This story is semi-autobiographical. Not completely. It is about divorce and moving forward. I used to call it my male version of Hope Floats. Then I called it my love story to Texas. Now... I think it is my last remaining shred of optimism looking to grow.

I have love in my heart. So much love to give. I just don't want to get so beaten down and broken that that love dies.

... if you can, I'm feeling down...

I want to slam my head into something hard. Crack the skin. Let my blood drip and pass out. I want to forget everything. I want to forget the last three years of my life. That happiness I felt, it wasn't worth this. I just want to forget.

Help.