It's a weird feeling to be both over and not over someone, which probably means I am not over someone. Yeah. I'm not. Three months ago, I was having "THE TALK" that led to where I am now. In less than a week, the final papers will be submitted and I am officially divorced/single. I dunno which term to use. I am single again. I use that and the implication is out there that I am "ready to mingle" which I am and am not ready to do. There are things that I am ready to do, but a new relationship is not at the top of my list. Divorced just sounds so... off-putting, but I am that. Not off-putting. Divorced. I am struggling to find happiness and contentment. I am in that life limbo still. I have moments of happiness and moments of sadness and moments of anger. I am not consistent with my emotions. It's limbo. This whole things is just going to take some time. The play will help. Hanging with my friends will help. Not seeing her will help. I'm just still carrying this burden on my shoulders that I can't quite seem to shake. I can't actively pursue another relationship because my feelings for HER have not ended. Any relationship right now will be doomed to fail. The feelings I have for someone else will basically just be a transference of feelings from HER. No one deserves that.
A lot of my thoughts right now seem to drift towards the typical guy thoughts. I don't want a relationship but I want someone to share my bed with me. I want that closeness and, yeah, I want someone to make out with, but I don't want to feel like I am expected to instantly just give myself completely over to someone else. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to have a friendship with someone -- a close bond with someone -- that may occasionally lead to some kissing and sleeping next to each other.
Sigh... I'm going to get judged for all of this, I can feel it.
I Can't imagine why you would be judged for any of it. You are expressing your true feelings which is pure-hearted and raw and completely acceptable.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in that phase between divorced and single I called myself "No longer married". There was a year (almost to the day) where I was "No longer married" but I was definitely not "Single". Then one day I felt it. I felt ready to trust again and ready to see what this whole "dating" thing is actually about. That was the day I declared myself single and have been since...
Just a thought or two from a friend.
Try not to let loneliness get the best of you (Easier said than done for sure)...