What I believe...

I don't think that I will ever find the same kind of love I felt for her again. I think back on how in love we were and how I just let myself fall, and it all seems so silly. I don't know if I will ever feel that again. I don't know if I will experience that love that makes me feel so young, and vibrant, and alive. Just kissing whenever. The fooling around. The fun and silly stuff. Just doing random ridiculous things. I don't know if I can even open my heart to letting a female be my best friend again. I have always had feelings for my best female friend. Always. If you think you were, at one point, my best female friend, odds are, I had a crush on you. I operate under the WHEN HARRY MET SALLY philosophy.

Back to my point. I mean, maybe it is because of where I am right now. I dunno. I just don't feel like I am capable of that again. I am a pretty damn good boyfriend, fiance, and husband. I have just been so shit on in my love life.

You know what I wish I would have spent more time doing? Collecting more friends with benefits. Not necessarily the benefits you think. Just the kind that don't mind sleeping next to someone in bed. Falling asleep talking to them. Holding them. I know. This all comes right after saying that I don't know if I can have a best female friend. I think I can. I am just furious with my two best female friends. One, of course, decided she didn't love me anymore and is divorcing me. The other has abandoned me in my time of need. No response to phone calls, texts, Facebook messages. Nothing. Friends for six years. I have always been there for her. When the shoe is on the other foot, she's gone.

Maybe I am just too depressing.

I constructed a scene for my screenplay today. I didn't want this to be a love story, and it isn't, though our hero will probably kiss this new female character. She is a combination of two Sioux Falls friends, a Texas friend, and Natalie Portman's character in BEAUTIFUL GIRLS (except not a teenager). This character needs to exist in order to move our story forward. To make it seem like he has a future. Looks forward to the possibility of something. Doesn't hate women entirely. Yes. This story is semi-autobiographical. Not completely. It is about divorce and moving forward. I used to call it my male version of Hope Floats. Then I called it my love story to Texas. Now... I think it is my last remaining shred of optimism looking to grow.

I have love in my heart. So much love to give. I just don't want to get so beaten down and broken that that love dies.