For karma's sake...

Make no mistake. I wish no ill upon her. I don't hope for her happiness, of course, but I don't want anything bad to happen to her.

But I don't have to forgive her. Not yet.

It's 3 AM and I must be angry...

Probably not a good sign when my eyes well up with tears, my heart beats fast, and I panic when I log into an Instant Messaging system I haven't been on in awhile and I see her name and that she is online. Imagine my scramble in deleting her.

This just sucks. Can I just say that? Can I continue to express how horrible this all feels? Like, when I spend time with my friends, I truly am at the top of my game. My days off when I am just here alone, I am a pile or worthless shit. I don't do a fucking thing but stay on my social networking sites.

It's a fucking joke. She's winning. She's the one who pulled the trigger and injured this dog. She continues about her merry ways and I am devastated. Still. Forever. I lied when I said she couldn't pull off dark hair. She can. I saw a second picture when I was removing her from AIM. She's thinner and has darker hair. FUCK!

This is so hard. It is. I still wish this upon no one. It is shaping me to be a stronger person, but I also fear colder, more callous, less romantic, bitter. More defensive. More aggressive.

I hate her. I hate her and what she did to me and I DO NOT forgive her.

Sooo...

I have a feeling the bitter and angry stage is going to stick around for awhile. I hate her guts. Loathe and detest her with pretty close to same passion I used to love her. I saw that picture earlier and lots of feelings came up. I had to block another person on Facebook just so I didn't have to see her profile picture again. I am really still too filled with such anger and hatred and bitterness to be ready to move on. No new person needs to have this baggage to deal with.

Saw another picture...

Dark hair? Not really your best look.

And I'm still hurting...

Still Hurting by Jason Robert Brown from the musical The Last Five Years:

CATHERINE
Jamie is over and Jamie is gone
Jamie's decided it's time to move on
Jamie has new dreams he's building upon
And I'm still hurting

Jamie arrived at the end of the line
Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine
Jamie is probably feeling just fine
And I'm still hurting

What about lies, Jamie?
What about things
That you swore to be true
What about you, Jamie
What about you

Jamie is sure something wonderful died
Jamie decides it's his right to decide
Jamie's got secrets he doesn't confide
And I'm still hurting

Go and hide and run away
Run away, run and find something better
Go and ride the sun away
Run away like it's simple
Like it's right...

Give me a day, Jamie
Bring back the lies
Hang them back on the wall
Maybe I'd see
How you could be
So certain that we
Had no chance at all

Jamie is over and where can I turn?
Covered with scars I did nothing to earn
Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn
But that wouldn't change the fact
That wouldn't speed the time
Once the foundation's cracked
And I'm
Still Hurting

No longer on the cusp of 30... Right there.

Not that I would return it with grace and dignity, but she text messaged her ex-boyfriend a happy birthday while we were together, but I get nothing from her on mine? What a scumbag. Probably busy --- ... nah... drunk... but I still have some sense.

The more things change...

I'm remembering why my life sucked before I got married. Women were not attracted to me. Nice to see that things don't change. Like, I can be confident and be me at my personal best. They still would rather go for my friends instead of me. Such is life. Guess I am going to turn into my cousin after all. Maybe that'll be better. Lonely, but no more heartbreak.

I really dislike Christina Aguilera... can you tell?

So… while ex-wife Christina Aguilera was out ho’ing it up and boozing around, getting arrested, Jordan Bratman was taking care of their kid and being a good dad? Yep. I guess men ARE always the bad guys in divorce.