I should preface this by saying I'm not 100% yet. I had a slight relapse of sadness and anger lately. I attended a wedding a few weeks ago, the first wedding I have attended since... well... this all has happened. I was very happy for the couple, but still internally cynical over the whole process. This isn't the best thing to say seeing as how I am mostly followed by married, engaged, or happily committed folks. I'm just in a place of cynicism of love. I think, though, you can understand that. That said, though, I was mostly down at the wedding because I was lonely. I think that makes me a hypocrite.
The anger came about when SHE turned in an application at a company to which I have a close ties. It crossed the boss's desk and I quickly got a text:
"I thought SHE moved."
"What?"
"Didn't you say she moved?"
"I thought so."
"She turned in an application."
"Oh fuck."
"Look. The position has already been filled but I thought you said she moved."
"I thought she did."
Since you never know who reads this, I will leave out details of the conversation. He did say, however, that I am a part of this family now and that they would never do anything to jeopardize that. But the position was already filled.
I was angry because she is supposed to be gone. Why would she want to come down here to do that job? She knows that is my new home. Is she trying to throw her weight around and make me be on notice? I wouldn't be able to handle dealing with her. The idea of bumping into her is back on my mind and I am slightly terrified. I still hurt a bit, especially when her presence is felt.
It has almost been a year. On September 3rd, it will have been a year since I moved out. Since I last saw her. Because I am, for the most part, getting better, I thought I would start a series talking about things that helped me get better. These may be silly things to you. How can a TV show help someone through a divorce? Or a book? Or a website? Or an album? It's the little things, folks. The little things.
Eminem - "Recovery"
The album is dedicated "2 anyone who's in a dark place tryin' to 2 get out. Keep your head up... It does get better!"
This album was released as Eminem had just survived his own struggles: addiction, divorce, death of his friend, etc. I first heard this album while I was still married. At that point, I just thought of it as a very solid rap record. When the divorce occurred, I picked up on the pain that was a through-line blazing across each track. There is a sense of defeat. Struggle. But there is also a sense of rising above it. The preceding album, "Relapse," was a hit, much like all of Eminem's albums, but it lacked the emotional drive of, well, all of Eminem's other albums. "Recovery" is all emotion. It is the tale of redemption and forgiveness. This music comes from a man who, on a previous album, has a track in which he simulates the murder of his ex-wife. Oddly enough, they remarried after that only to break-up again. This time, he confesses that they just weren't right for each other. They tried to be, but each person brought too much volatility to the relationship. "Recovery" is about growth.
Listening to "Recovery," you're bound to pick up on the general things that make rap music so appealing: awesome rhymes over catchy beats. It's how Marshall Mathers constructs his rhymes and the words he chooses that makes this album so fantastic. He covers so much ground. This is a man that was truly defeated by the loss of his friend. When you have that friend that balances you out, it truly is a special feeling. That's is what Proof was to Eminem. When he lost that, he lost a part of himself. Think of the pain. He was in a really rough place for awhile. "Recovery" is what came of that.
I like that "Recovery" is dedicated to those going through hard times. There is a sense of help in the album; that this man wants to help you through it. Earlier Eminem albums are angry. So angry. Self centered. But as Em grew up, so did his music. Oh sure. He'll throw a silly celebrity insult every now and again, but the overall content of his music tells the tale of a man who has gone through some shit.
"Recovery" was a constant car album for me. I played it on repeat for weeks at a time. When I took it out, my mix CD it was replaced with featured "25 to Life," "Space Bound," and "Love The Way You Lie," three songs that had, in my eyes, a lot to do with what I was going through. I shed many a tear to these songs. However, something about them lifted me up. They carried me on to the next mile. I found the redemption. I found the strength. I felt like I could bounce back. Survive. Even if the subject matter wasn't the same, I found themes I could identify with and I championed the album. I constantly praised it. To this day, I still consider it a consistently solid rap album that has a lot going for it, message-wise.
Yes. Eminem's "Recovery" helped save my life.
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