After a conversation today, I realized a lot. She isn't going to miss me. She might miss some of the things we did and some of the good times we had, but she isn't going to miss me in the way I would hope for. So really... WE are dead. The WE we were. The WE that spent our honeymoon at Disneyworld. The WE that wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. The WE that were there for each other unconditionally. The good WE we used to be is no more. Right now, there's just her and me. Since this is kind of an "Aha" moment for me, maybe I can begin to grow.
I don't hate her. I won't let myself hate her. I am not really pleased with her, as you can imagine, but I can't bring myself to hate her. I don't like how trying to do so feels.
She will move on much quicker than I will. She will probably fool around with someone again sooner than I feel is appropriate for her to do so. But if she has been ending this for a year, I can't really blame her. Everybody has to take their time to move on and she has. She may not date someone for awhile like she says she won't. Maybe she will eventually realize that I am not as bad of a match as she thinks I am. I'm not counting on it and not waiting around for it, but if she does, that will at least give me some sense of satisfaction.
Me, I am terrified of the notion of being out there again. I have an extreme lack of confidence right now. Liquid confidence is too expensive to have to constantly use. I think my current lack of self confidence isn't really that ridiculous. I just got dumped. Dumped in marriage. I mean, that is a confidence destroyer.
I do need to move on. I have too much life in these bones to just roll over and die. I will surround myself with my nearest friends and roll hardcore through this life. I will go through bad days but I will have good days. I deserve them. THIS will not be the end of me. This too shall pass.
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