You can feel my anger...

I punched a hole in the wall.

We were arguing about how I handled her being out of town. Again. Neither one of us will see the other's perspective and neither one of us will give the other a break. She attempted to run away from the conversation, something that ALWAYS irritated me when we were together, so think about how it felt being apart. I stood up. I said mean things. She said mean things. We were both spewing nothing but anger and hatred at each other. She ran to her bedroom. I walked behind. As the door closed, I slammed my fist into the hallway wall, screaming an obscenity. My hand went into the wall. I immediately apologized through closed doors, but I could hear her sobbing, calling someone over the phone. Not wanting to wait around to find out, I took off. I called her from the road. She was staying at a hotel for the night, going to work, then leaving town for a few days. She didn't want to talk anymore for the night. She'll talk to me when she gets back. I terrified her.

What have I become? I read an article today about how heartbreak is dealt with worse than the passing of someone close to you. People do go crazy. It has to do with chemicals in the brain. I have snapped. I been pushed past my limits and I feel like I am not being heard. How can I expect to be heard, though? She shut down a long time ago. I am moving my mouth, making a sound, but I'm sure all she thinks when she hears me talk is so many days left. Her new life awaits her. Mine... mine frightens me.

Word of advice, men: DO NOT live with your ex-spouse for any time at all after a separation or divorce is considered the answer. Your boundaries are all screwed up and you only experience pain. This has not been a positive thing for me. I have been close to REALLY losing it quite a few times. I am still in shock. I still hurt. I will for awhile.

I have said some things to a female friend of mine that I regret. I am in the worst of places and, sadly, she is on the receiving end of my venting all of that bad. I am sorry for that, but I know that they will keep coming unless I just leave her alone for a bit. I am going to consciously try to block her out of my life temporarily while also removing the ex as well. This friendship will not exist.