These days...

These days I just feel regret. Regret for what happened. Not for anything I did that may have caused this to end. I regret what made it begin. The things I regret are the things I spent the last three years cherishing. Why did she come to that play? She always said that she almost didn't. Now, I wish she wouldn't have. Why did things fall into place so well for so long just to fall apart so suddenly. I regret giving so much of myself to her that I lost me. I wish I had never met her. I wish I had the knowledge then that I have now. I am finding me again. Not the me I was. Some people may not understand that. I will never be my old self again. I am not looking for the same kind of things I was so determined to find. My thoughts on love are jaded. You may ask yourself, how can one person ruin so much? It's not the person. It's the feeling. I am in a construction phase. I am learning how to build walls and look at things differently than I did before. Every girl I meet is no longer initially perceived as a potential love interest. I don't have to constantly be so nice and so giving to everyone. THAT behavior leaves you nothing but broken. If I am going to be alone for awhile, I am going to do so by own rules and my own choosing. I will not let another one in who exists just to crush me. I'm blocking that part of me off. I'm letting it die.