One thing I find fascinating about divorce is the swiftness and severity of the change in feelings. I remember when I would see pictures of her when we were together and I would be filled with this happiness and love and I would just smile. Now, when I stumble upon a picture, I hate her. I get so angry and I cringe. I remember when the picture was taken or what our lives were like at that moment and I get so mad at what she pissed on.
I can't even imagine what it would be like to "fall in love" again. I am too bitter now. Too cynical. I was having this talk with a girl the other night. When will I be ready to date again? I dunno. I'm not looking. I used to look. I'm not now. I just don't know if I can feel that way again. I feel like I wasted so much love and energy and time on her. I don't trust people. I feel like any other attempt is just going to be more wasting. My answer was that I didn't know. I don't. I said it would really depend on who comes into my life in that capacity. Also, to an extent, I am enjoying finding myself again. Living life according to my terms. Hanging out with who I want to see. Doing what I want to do. Being who I want to be. I'm not perfect. Not at all. But I am okay with my imperfections and, in the end, all you have is yourself.
Yes. The old me is dead and gone.
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