I don't know if I have mentioned this here yet or not.
I have long angry conversations with her at night. Well... in my head. Sometimes out loud. Not actually with her, mind you, but to an imagined her. I yell. I shout. I raise my voice. I get angry. That's all I am right now is angry. So angry. I can feel it seething through me pretty frequently. It's not healthy, but it is better than absolute sadness. I've been there before. I don't want to go back there. I'd rather be pissed. I am. To an extent -- and please note that I said that as it is only to an extent -- I kind of hate women right now. Not all, mind you. My female friends are still aces and so are my family members. Some women, though, I just hate. Found out that Christina Aguilera is now seeing some guy she met on the set of BURLESQUE. She met him while she was married. There must of been some spark during the filming, because as soon as the papers were filed, she started dating this other dude. Fuck her. You were married. There is some sanctity to that vow. Oh, she was unhappy before blah blah blah. If there was more to it than that -- if he was something other than just some boring bloke (with is what it really sounds like is the only thing) -- I could understand moving on to where you would be happier. But just finding some other guy and deciding to forsake everything else, fuck that.
I say this because this is my current assumption as to what happened to me. Do I have any evidence? No. But we went from love to nothing in no time flat. I blame it on someone she met while visiting the town she went to college in. I don't know for sure, but she came back from some soiree gushing about some guy -- a soiree she told me I was not invited to. Fuck. She didn't want me to be there.
I should have seen this coming sooner.
Fuck her.
I remember this phase. It truly seems to last the longest. Worst thing was, once the anger started coming it was like I just couldn't stop it. I would cry for no reason at all and then find out it was anger rearing its mad head.
ReplyDeleteMy counselor told me something that really helped... maybe it will help you too:
"Anger is an emotion. It is like happiness, and sadness. It is like excitement and indifference. Emotions all must be processed. As a "happy person" it has been harder for you to process anger throughout the years so now that something extreme has happened all of that anger came lashing out. You have to process it. You have to feel it. Acknowledge it. Find it's source. Work there-address that person if you can, if not write a letter, scream do what you have to to process the emotion. When it is done. It is done."
Since last year I have gotten much better at processing my anger instantly instead of bottling it up. It really makes everything loads better.
I hope that helps.
OH and it's okay to hate women, we understand. Those of us who get where you're coming from wouldn't hold it against you! :)