Today was one of those roller coaster type of days. I woke up fine, but was kind of sour after seeing her in the morning. I didn't want to pick a fight but I'm having a hard time accepting the newly established boundaries. That's my thing. I'm causing the tension there. I don't want those boundaries in place until paperwork has been signed. Nobody really understands this. Why would I just prolong what is inevitable? My answer is simple: so I can have some sense of control over something. I know the relationship is over, but I want to feel like I have some hold on things up until she goes because when she comes back, we will be like two ships just passing really close to each other in the same waters. We're no longer one unit. There will be no notifications of comings or goings. I can't ask where she is going or if she knows an estimate of when she'll be back. If I don't hear from her and get worried, I can't check up on her. I will be an island.
The good of the day all came when I was hanging out with one of my best friends. He was in town for the day just for me. He wanted to spend all day with me just to keep my mind off of things and to keep me busy and comforted. It was great and it felt like old times. Overall, I did have an excellent and enjoyable day.
The bad came when I found my new apartment. There is this surreal feeling you get when you go from a couple to a single. Everything feels like it moves in a blur. Today, I looked at apartments, found one I liked, and turned in my security deposit all over the course of five hours. A sense of finality in five hours. All of it... a blur. When I left the office after submitting my check, I broke down. This is not supposed to be my life. This is not the way things were supposed to happen. I don't deserve this. That last thought actually gave me hope. I don't deserve it. That is a shred of self-confidence. I can work with that.
Some people think I am giving up. That this relationship can be rescued. I am not giving up. I am putting up as much fight as I have left. The problem is that this relationship cannot be rescued. She has no desire to save it. We've run our course. I am playing catch up to a situation that really ended a year ago. I die a little inside everytime I look at a picture of us. Problem is, they are still plastered everywhere in this apartment. Those two people smiling and kissing while they were dating, engaged, getting married, partying, honeymooning, and relaxing, those two people are dead. That relationship is dead.
It is hard to grieve the dead right away.
Like I said, though, there was good to this day. The beginning of the movie CYRUS inspired some hope. The fictional characters in the film's first few minutes prove that some sort of caring relationship can occur after a divorce. Sure, it ain't real life, but I am in the marker to take whatever hope I can get.
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