How long...

Isn't six months long enough to suffer? Why do I still hurt?

Some nights, I just feel like crying. I've started shutting down. I spent my last three days in my apartment, alone. I did my podcast today. I went out for a couple of hours. I came back and just felt down and alone. Six months is probably enough time for most people to have grown tired with me being so sad. Problem is, I still am sad.

Taking on a hobby...

So, in my time when I'm not blogging about the process of adjusting to divorce, I'm doing a movie podcast. Most of the people that read this are people I actually know, so it's no surprise that I love movies. Movies have always been my passion, so now I am using them as a helpful tool to help me move forward. The podcast is still finding its footing. I think the idea of it just being me in a room talking about movies needs some tweaking. I have my first guest tomorrow, so maybe that will inject some humor into the mix. We'll see what happens.

Oh... and you can find my podcast at:

andysmovies.podbean.com

But now you've found another partner...

Saw a picture of her today with a new guy. This is not just a friend. She was in her pajama shirt wearing that giddy, silly, happy, stupid smile she used to have when we were first together.

Fuck.

But the old me's dead and gone...

One thing I find fascinating about divorce is the swiftness and severity of the change in feelings. I remember when I would see pictures of her when we were together and I would be filled with this happiness and love and I would just smile. Now, when I stumble upon a picture, I hate her. I get so angry and I cringe. I remember when the picture was taken or what our lives were like at that moment and I get so mad at what she pissed on.

I can't even imagine what it would be like to "fall in love" again. I am too bitter now. Too cynical. I was having this talk with a girl the other night. When will I be ready to date again? I dunno. I'm not looking. I used to look. I'm not now. I just don't know if I can feel that way again. I feel like I wasted so much love and energy and time on her. I don't trust people. I feel like any other attempt is just going to be more wasting. My answer was that I didn't know. I don't. I said it would really depend on who comes into my life in that capacity. Also, to an extent, I am enjoying finding myself again. Living life according to my terms. Hanging out with who I want to see. Doing what I want to do. Being who I want to be. I'm not perfect. Not at all. But I am okay with my imperfections and, in the end, all you have is yourself.

Yes. The old me is dead and gone.

Hard times

I backslid and silently cried to myself while driving around with my parents looking at Christmas lights. I thought about good times and pictured her face. I imagined about how happy she is now and how miserable I must have made her life to make her want to do this to me. I got so sad and angry all at once. This year sucked and I feel pretty empty again. I have a bad feeling that when the show is over, I am going to have a rough period again.

Life. Just tough.

And so it is...

2010... The Year of Divorce/Break-up continues.

Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johannson - done
Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgeons - done
Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter - done

I wonder if someone has been keeping a running tally.

In my head

I don't know if I have mentioned this here yet or not.

I have long angry conversations with her at night. Well... in my head. Sometimes out loud. Not actually with her, mind you, but to an imagined her. I yell. I shout. I raise my voice. I get angry. That's all I am right now is angry. So angry. I can feel it seething through me pretty frequently. It's not healthy, but it is better than absolute sadness. I've been there before. I don't want to go back there. I'd rather be pissed. I am. To an extent -- and please note that I said that as it is only to an extent -- I kind of hate women right now. Not all, mind you. My female friends are still aces and so are my family members. Some women, though, I just hate. Found out that Christina Aguilera is now seeing some guy she met on the set of BURLESQUE. She met him while she was married. There must of been some spark during the filming, because as soon as the papers were filed, she started dating this other dude. Fuck her. You were married. There is some sanctity to that vow. Oh, she was unhappy before blah blah blah. If there was more to it than that -- if he was something other than just some boring bloke (with is what it really sounds like is the only thing) -- I could understand moving on to where you would be happier. But just finding some other guy and deciding to forsake everything else, fuck that.

I say this because this is my current assumption as to what happened to me. Do I have any evidence? No. But we went from love to nothing in no time flat. I blame it on someone she met while visiting the town she went to college in. I don't know for sure, but she came back from some soiree gushing about some guy -- a soiree she told me I was not invited to. Fuck. She didn't want me to be there.

I should have seen this coming sooner.

Fuck her.

2010... The Year of Divorce

I wonder if there is any way that we can get an accurate count of long term celebrity couples that broke up or filed for divorce this year. Last year was the year of death. This year, divorce. I mean, really. Think about it. It seems like every couple of days another couple comes to an end. These people are gonna rebound just fine because they are attractive and have shit tons of money. How about the rest of us?

These days...

These days I just feel regret. Regret for what happened. Not for anything I did that may have caused this to end. I regret what made it begin. The things I regret are the things I spent the last three years cherishing. Why did she come to that play? She always said that she almost didn't. Now, I wish she wouldn't have. Why did things fall into place so well for so long just to fall apart so suddenly. I regret giving so much of myself to her that I lost me. I wish I had never met her. I wish I had the knowledge then that I have now. I am finding me again. Not the me I was. Some people may not understand that. I will never be my old self again. I am not looking for the same kind of things I was so determined to find. My thoughts on love are jaded. You may ask yourself, how can one person ruin so much? It's not the person. It's the feeling. I am in a construction phase. I am learning how to build walls and look at things differently than I did before. Every girl I meet is no longer initially perceived as a potential love interest. I don't have to constantly be so nice and so giving to everyone. THAT behavior leaves you nothing but broken. If I am going to be alone for awhile, I am going to do so by own rules and my own choosing. I will not let another one in who exists just to crush me. I'm blocking that part of me off. I'm letting it die.

Did you forget...?

I remember talks we had. Promises we made. Plans we discussed. Dreams we shared. I remember all of these things that she has forgotten.