Things That Got Me Through It, Part Three

Pierce

First, before I say this, let me say I am grateful to all of my friends that helped and continue to help me through the rough phase. Those of you who have been there have meant so much to me. I appreciate your texts, phone calls, and company more than I will ever be able to adequately put into words.

Pierce, though, well, he's easy to put into words.

I graduated high school in 1999. I left my first college in the winter of 2001. It just wasn't the right fit for me. I was unhappy. My family left Texas and I felt alone. I moved to Nebraska and worked, saying that eventually, I would make it back to school. When the opportunity presented itself, I finally made it back in the fall of 2004 when my younger brother graduated from high school. I was a non-trad, but still a freshman. Most of the people I would associate with were five years my junior. The people my same age, they had graduated and were on their way to pursuing their career of choice.

I say that in preface to acknowledge the fact that my friendbase, typically these days, is younger than I am by many years. Doing work at the theater lately has given me some older friends, but that is a different story for a different time. My friends from college are closer to my brother's age than mine. That has made me see that age, really, is just a number. It makes me feel younger than I am and that I still have plenty of time to accomplish things I feel that I deserve.

When I first met Pierce at my job, I didn't think much of him. He was an arrogant kid who had a bit too much swagger. He dressed in Duke blue and listened to rap acts that I had never heard of. His taste in movies lacked a certain intellect and he made fun of people that were different than he was, a quality I questioned since we work with the developmentally disabled. We didn't talk too much right away. I had the sense that he was judging me in the way that I was judging him. There is a cliche I won't say. You know what it is. It's true.

When we finally opened up to each other, I found him to be a great kid. I mean that, too. Kid. He was 20. He also dropped out of college. He didn't really know what he wanted to do, but one thing was clear: he was very good at this job. We became friends pretty quickly after that. I kind of took to him like another younger sibling. I would make jokes at his expense. Not in a mean way, but in a, "Hey. I am going to teach you something about life," kind of way. We talked about movies. I loathed many he mentioned. He said he hated many of mine, however, had never seen them. We began a borrowing service. I would loan him several of my movies at a time as a means of culturing him. We'd find the good ones and see what stuck. This worked really well. He began to see why films like MEMENTO are good and why TRANSFORMERS is not. In turn, he opened me up to more rap. It's silly, but I really am thankful for him making me like Lil Wayne. Hahaha. I see that in print and I laugh.

When SHE and I had a huge fight months prior to the divorce, he didn't want to leave my side. He told me that her anger would fade and that things would be okay. He said it in a way that I believed. We both did. I knew at that moment that our bond was something more than a co-worker one.

When SHE left me, he was there. He threw me on his back and kept me going. He made me smile when I couldn't help but cry. For awhile there, he really took it easy on me. I could pretty much recommend anything and he came back liking it. He became my movie buddy. He became my confidante. We talked about anything and everything. Whenever I was low, he was there to boost my spirits. When I would suffer from an anxiety attack, he would be on my list of people I could call to calm me down.

Pierce has kind of become that long-lasting friend that I feel such a brotherhood with. Again, I have other friends that I feel that way with and you guys are probably reading this wondering, "What about me?" Living in the same city as Pierce made it so much easier for him to PHYSICALLY be there as well as mentally and emotionally. He was able to fit in with my other friends and, in fact, become friends with them. He opened his mind to acceptance and tolerance of others, a change that I take great pride in helping bring about. Plus, his taste in movies has gotten much better. When THE KING'S SPEECH came to town, I wanted to see it and didn't feel like going alone. He agreed. When we got there and it was filled with senior citizens, he turned to me and asked, "This probably isn't going to be like most movies I see in theaters." When it was over, he said, "They should just give it the Oscar now. So good. Wow."

Since my work schedule has changed, I don't get to see him as often and that is hard to accept. The first opportunity I get, I am taking my old schedule back, for many reasons. A big one, though, being that I will get to see and work with one of my best friends again.

You'll never read this, Pierce, but I thank you for your friendship. I will slip it into a conversation occasionally, but I will never be able to get out the right words to tell you just how much you have come to mean to me. You are a wonderful guy and I really, truly appreciate you.

Things That Got Me Through It, Part Two

(originally written for another blog)

NBC's "Community"

I have been really stressing this one a lot lately. I think it is because the Community confessions blog has shown me that I am not alone and because I am super pumped for the third season to start soon. I just haven’t gone into great detail on the issue. Now is as good of a time as any. Sit back. Relax. Let me take you on a very personal journey of how one TV show helped pull me out of a very dark place in my life through laughter, intelligence, creativity, and friendship.

I started watching Community at the pilot episode because I loved Joel McHale on The Soup. I saw that he was going to be on a new TV show on my favorite night of TV, so I had high hopes. My wife and I were really excited for it and, when it aired, quite pleased with what we had seen. As the first season went along, I started to enjoy it more and more. I wasn’t in love with it, but I really enjoyed it. As with most people, though, the show captured my heart with “Modern Warfare.” From that point on, I knew that I would forever be a fan of the show. My wife and I even made sure we watched the season finale LIVE instead of DVR’d and gasped in shock when Jeff and Annie kissed. We debated for hours on whether the relationship was appropriate, despite the chemisty between the two. I think I was okay with it (though the traditional sitcom fan in me is really pulling for Jeff and Britta in the long run). She wasn’t and kind of seemed like she was over the show. My love for it, however, was only getting stronger.

Something about me: when I like something, I kind of obsess over it. I want to know everything about it. With Community, I went online and read interviews with the stars, watched behind the scenes videos, and listened to various podcasts discussing different elements of the show. I was making myself really excited for the return of the show. I knew nothing would stop me from watching the series when it came back, even if my wife refused.

At the end of July of last year, my wife told me that she had fallen out of love with me and asked for a divorce. There were tears and arguments. Needless to say, it was not a pleasant time. But yes. I gave in and accepted the divorce. I moved out and started my new life on my own.

As time went on, I prepared myself for the new tv season to start. I know that it is a silly thing to get hung up on, but my wife was my TV buddy. We had started numerous series together. Watching our shows was such a fun thing to me. It was hard to watch a lot of the shows I used to watch due to some emotional attachment. The season five premiere of Dexter was a personal disaster. TV, as a whole, became something I didn’t want much to do with because of her.

I was in a really bad place. Coping with the loss of love is hard, especially when I felt so blind-sided by it being ripped away from me. I lost who, at the time, I thought was not only my lover and partner, but my best friend. I had my world turned upside down and I didn’t know how to handle it. I felt alone. That no one was there, even though friends were. I felt like things would never get better, though eventually, it did. I thought I would never be happy again. I thought I would never stop hurting. That was a dark time and I did things that I thought would make the emotional pain stop for awhile. I plotted ways to make it stop for good. I, of course, never followed through.

The day the second season of Community was set to debut, I knew I wanted to watch it. I knew it was going to be hard, but I also knew I was going to be entertained. So, I took a deep breath and sat on my couch. It started and I was captivated immediately. All it took was seeing Donald Glover in Spider-man pajamas.

As the season went along, it only got better. It took everything that worked about the first season and built upon it (something typical Community punchline, Glee, failed to do). It strengthened the characters. Tightened the bonds. Layered jokes on top of jokes. Created solid stories. Bent the rules of sitcoms. It became something that I admired and inspired my creativity. I saw things about myself and my friends in the characters (Abed’s pop culture referencing sometimes makes me feel like they’re watching me talk to people). I wanted to see how each week would top the one that came before.

I found each week to be engaging. It is more than a typical sitcom. It is such a love letter to geeks like me. It made me smile when, some nights, all I felt like doing was crying. The writing is so sharp and creative. I wondered how these ideas came to be. I wanted to find a way to become a writer for this show. I also wanted to become friends with the group. It’s so nice to see a group of actors that work so well together. They get along well offscreen which makes their onscreen chemistry all the better. And don’t get me started on listening to one of my favorite musical acts, Childish Gambino (Donald Glover), because of this show. Oy.

Early on, my favorite part of the show was the friendship of Troy and Abed. Overall, the show is more than that to me now, but I still cherish that friendship. I am lucky because I have friendships that are like that. I am the Troy to one of my friend’s Abed, while also being the Abed to another friend’s Troy. It is such a close, funny, and honest bond that I think so many people can relate to, which I think is why those two are so popular.

When I say Community saved my life, I don’t mean one episode inspired me to be a better person. I don’t mean I tracked it week by week and had to live because I wanted to see an arc come to fruition. I mean it saved my life by providing something to smile about when I really felt like dying. I was so depressed. I felt like my world had ended. Community was something to distract me from my shit for a little while. Something to entertain me.

As season two went on, it just got better. Eventually, I did, too. Community wasn’t the only thing that helped me out of my depression. It wasn’t like a magic snap that cured everything. As all of the pieces fell back into place, I was left being able to enjoy the show without the melodramatic notion of it saving my life. I was able to enjoy it as the best comedy on television. I was able to enjoy it as a smart, hilarious, entertaining, ensemble piece. I spread the show on to my friends. I have been able to convert four people, so far. I’m working on more. This show means so much to me, I want to see it go on for awhile. Trying to get more people to watch it is my way of making that happen.

So yeah. I am thankful for the show. The cast and crew. I am thankful it exists. If it wasn’t there, yeah, I probably would have been fine. Since it was, though, I am thankful for it being clever enough to distract me during what really were my darkest days. I also appreciate that is so entertaining enough for me to have watched to first two season, in their entirity, more times than I can count. So to Dan Harmon, the Russo brothers, Joel McHale, Gillian Jacobs, Danny Pudi, Donald Glover, Alison Brie, Yvette Nicole Brown, Chevy Chase, Ken Jeong, Jim Rash, etc., I say thank you so very much for all that you do. Your silly little meta sitcom really means a great deal to so many people.

This is long, but maybe not perfectly organized. I haven’t slept yet. Doing that now. I just wanted to get it out there.

Things That Got Me Through It, Part One

I should preface this by saying I'm not 100% yet. I had a slight relapse of sadness and anger lately. I attended a wedding a few weeks ago, the first wedding I have attended since... well... this all has happened. I was very happy for the couple, but still internally cynical over the whole process. This isn't the best thing to say seeing as how I am mostly followed by married, engaged, or happily committed folks. I'm just in a place of cynicism of love. I think, though, you can understand that. That said, though, I was mostly down at the wedding because I was lonely. I think that makes me a hypocrite.

The anger came about when SHE turned in an application at a company to which I have a close ties. It crossed the boss's desk and I quickly got a text:

"I thought SHE moved."
"What?"
"Didn't you say she moved?"
"I thought so."
"She turned in an application."
"Oh fuck."
"Look. The position has already been filled but I thought you said she moved."
"I thought she did."

Since you never know who reads this, I will leave out details of the conversation. He did say, however, that I am a part of this family now and that they would never do anything to jeopardize that. But the position was already filled.

I was angry because she is supposed to be gone. Why would she want to come down here to do that job? She knows that is my new home. Is she trying to throw her weight around and make me be on notice? I wouldn't be able to handle dealing with her. The idea of bumping into her is back on my mind and I am slightly terrified. I still hurt a bit, especially when her presence is felt.

It has almost been a year. On September 3rd, it will have been a year since I moved out. Since I last saw her. Because I am, for the most part, getting better, I thought I would start a series talking about things that helped me get better. These may be silly things to you. How can a TV show help someone through a divorce? Or a book? Or a website? Or an album? It's the little things, folks. The little things.

Eminem - "Recovery"

The album is dedicated "2 anyone who's in a dark place tryin' to 2 get out. Keep your head up... It does get better!"

This album was released as Eminem had just survived his own struggles: addiction, divorce, death of his friend, etc. I first heard this album while I was still married. At that point, I just thought of it as a very solid rap record. When the divorce occurred, I picked up on the pain that was a through-line blazing across each track. There is a sense of defeat. Struggle. But there is also a sense of rising above it. The preceding album, "Relapse," was a hit, much like all of Eminem's albums, but it lacked the emotional drive of, well, all of Eminem's other albums. "Recovery" is all emotion. It is the tale of redemption and forgiveness. This music comes from a man who, on a previous album, has a track in which he simulates the murder of his ex-wife. Oddly enough, they remarried after that only to break-up again. This time, he confesses that they just weren't right for each other. They tried to be, but each person brought too much volatility to the relationship. "Recovery" is about growth.

Listening to "Recovery," you're bound to pick up on the general things that make rap music so appealing: awesome rhymes over catchy beats. It's how Marshall Mathers constructs his rhymes and the words he chooses that makes this album so fantastic. He covers so much ground. This is a man that was truly defeated by the loss of his friend. When you have that friend that balances you out, it truly is a special feeling. That's is what Proof was to Eminem. When he lost that, he lost a part of himself. Think of the pain. He was in a really rough place for awhile. "Recovery" is what came of that.

I like that "Recovery" is dedicated to those going through hard times. There is a sense of help in the album; that this man wants to help you through it. Earlier Eminem albums are angry. So angry. Self centered. But as Em grew up, so did his music. Oh sure. He'll throw a silly celebrity insult every now and again, but the overall content of his music tells the tale of a man who has gone through some shit.

"Recovery" was a constant car album for me. I played it on repeat for weeks at a time. When I took it out, my mix CD it was replaced with featured "25 to Life," "Space Bound," and "Love The Way You Lie," three songs that had, in my eyes, a lot to do with what I was going through. I shed many a tear to these songs. However, something about them lifted me up. They carried me on to the next mile. I found the redemption. I found the strength. I felt like I could bounce back. Survive. Even if the subject matter wasn't the same, I found themes I could identify with and I championed the album. I constantly praised it. To this day, I still consider it a consistently solid rap album that has a lot going for it, message-wise.

Yes. Eminem's "Recovery" helped save my life.

How 'bout that...

I don't really know how to explain where I am at right now. It's the strangest thing: I have days where I go without thinking about her at all. It's awesome. When I do think about her, I feel nothing. Nothing at all. No pain. No bitterness. Nothing. She is not even a blip on my radar. It's freeing. I don't forgive her, but I wonder after seeing how much happier and better I am without her, if I am done resenting her. I know I deserve great things in my future, and I will get them.

Lover, you're forgiven...

I'm having a down kinda day. I don't think it's related to this blog. I think... I'm just kind of lonely. Still, I heard this song again and it makes a lot of sense.

STRONG ENOUGH by David Ryan Harris

I would have given my world to see
You deliver the jailer's key
I’d give you the credit
And take what went wrong

I would have given most anything
To see your lips move but hear me singing
If you would have opened your mouth
And spit out my song

(Chorus)
Lover you’re forgiven
You have suffered for long enough
They’re holding their breath
And I’m calling their bluff
Our love is strong enough

If there were ever a movie made
That outlines my life in some modest way
Line for line note for note and page by page
I’d hope that who ever played your part
Would feel my remorseful and heavy heart
They would open their mouth and unyieldingly say

(Chorus)

Instead you held the key over my head
And just out of reach
Till any love that used to be
Got wasted on the need of me
To feel as though I could be free
‘cause I’m not your asshole I’m not your thief
I thank the lord that I finally was released

Lover you’re forgiven
We’ve both suffered for long enough
We all held our breath
But we couldn’t call their bluff
‘cause our love wasn’t strong enough

This is new...

Something has changed in me. I can feel it. I can feel a splash of positive energy flowing through my veins. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Some things remain:

I have not forgiven nor forgotten. I'm still haunted by loneliness. My self-image is not where it once was.

But... there is this vibe in the air. This feeling that I'm okay. That I'm better. Better than I was. Better than she made me out to be. Better than she accepted. Better than when she left me. She crashed into my life as a source of so much good until to turn traitor. When that happens, you analyze so much about yourself. I have done that. I have embraced the good and weeded out the bad. I have things that need improving. Some internal things that need strengthening and external things that need shaping. I know that. But man. I just. I feel better right now than I have in awhile. My life doesn't feel like it is covered by a storm cloud. It feels like...

Sunshine. I can feel it.

Ding dong, the witch is dead...

May 14th she leaves my city.

I feel like having a party.

It's the little things...

Good. Get the fuck out of my city.

I count this as a little victory for me. Sure, I'll be leaving, too. But let's graph the magnitude of our moves. You are moving to a piss-ant college town. Me. I'm moving to a city that thrives on arts. I'm like Charlie Sheen in this bitch. By that, I don't mean a drug-addicted, mysogenistic, abusive asshole. No. I just mean I am winning. I hope you find the happiness you desire in your turd of a town.

Wow. I guess that was nice of me. I wished her happiness. Hmm. I impressed myself. Do I mean it? I'll save that nugget of knowledge for me.

For karma's sake...

Make no mistake. I wish no ill upon her. I don't hope for her happiness, of course, but I don't want anything bad to happen to her.

But I don't have to forgive her. Not yet.

It's 3 AM and I must be angry...

Probably not a good sign when my eyes well up with tears, my heart beats fast, and I panic when I log into an Instant Messaging system I haven't been on in awhile and I see her name and that she is online. Imagine my scramble in deleting her.

This just sucks. Can I just say that? Can I continue to express how horrible this all feels? Like, when I spend time with my friends, I truly am at the top of my game. My days off when I am just here alone, I am a pile or worthless shit. I don't do a fucking thing but stay on my social networking sites.

It's a fucking joke. She's winning. She's the one who pulled the trigger and injured this dog. She continues about her merry ways and I am devastated. Still. Forever. I lied when I said she couldn't pull off dark hair. She can. I saw a second picture when I was removing her from AIM. She's thinner and has darker hair. FUCK!

This is so hard. It is. I still wish this upon no one. It is shaping me to be a stronger person, but I also fear colder, more callous, less romantic, bitter. More defensive. More aggressive.

I hate her. I hate her and what she did to me and I DO NOT forgive her.